New McDonald's Uniforms Suck Joy From The Earth

In case society hasn’t already descended into a full-blown dystopian nightmare, McDonald’s has decided to egg that process on by introducing brand new uniforms for their staff that literally suck the last remaining semblance of joy from this earth.

It’s like they were trying to jump on the health goth bandwagon two years too late, and instead fell short and landed somewhere in between basic minimalism and Dr. Evil chic.

These new outfits are shades of grey and black. Because nothing says “I’m lovin’ it!” like monochromatic cotton as far as the eye can see. One of the goals of the outfits, apparently, is to make the transition from restaurant to socializing a seamless one. A totally legitimate objective, since everybody loves going out to party in their work uniforms.

Despite being almost shockingly uninspired, it seems as though a whole lot of thought and money went into pulling these ensembles together. They were developed in partnership with designer Waraire Boswell, who, from what I can tell, has a repertoire that consists mainly of $535.00 silk men’s pajamas.

The uniforms include some patchwork denim aprons that McDonald’s is generously allowing their employees to experiment with and ostensibly highlight their individuality. In a statement, McDonald’s said that these items, “may be worn full or as a half apron to fit restaurant employees’ personal style.” Oh my goodness, what a treat. Folding an apron in half says more about my hopes and dreams than I could ever endeavor to do on my own.

Providing a person with clothing that they’re required to wear, while insisting that they’re doing so because “Individuality is important,” seems like a bit of a backwards approach. Hey, I’m not saying you have have actually care about individuality–instead just say what you mean!

Rather than acting like these new uniforms are a way for workers to stand out and express themselves, McDonald’s should just own their prerogative. Evidently, they are providing employees with these painfully boring new uniforms so that customers become accustomed to McDonald’s workers blending into their surroundings while inconspicuously and obediently following orders–that way, in a few years, McDonald’s can quietly replace all of their workers with A.I. robots without anybody noticing.

The end is nigh, people. The end is nigh.