So far, 2017 has been a fucking horror show. There has hardly been a single shred of good news to smile at, and my days are instead filled with hopeless musings and unrealistic fantasies of fleeing to faraway beaches. That is, until Beyonce, queen of queens, earth angel, and mother of all announced that she was once again pregnant. And this time, with TWINS.
For once, I am speechless. There’s nothing to say or do, but to wait patiently until these tiny little cherubs enter the universe and touch each and every one of us with their splendor.
There are some things we don’t yet know. When is the due date? Are they fraternal or identical? Boys or girls? Or one of each? Until these questions have answers, all that I can do is continue in my newly formed habitual daydreaming, in which I imagine a future void of the problems we face. That future, friends, is one that will include the Knowles-Carter twins, and it will be glorious.
The twins will be born on July 4, 2017, Independence Day. Their birth will mark a new era in American politics: The country will come together to celebrate not only the day of our nation’s founding, but the day that harmony came in the form of two chubby babies.
They will be identical girls, and thus, by joining Blue Ivy, the New Holy Trinity will be completed. The twin sisters will show early on that they have unusual aptitude for just about anything they try their little hands at.
At just four-years-old, the twins will be accepted into Mensa. Though their genius will shine through in every subject, it will be their talent for social analysis that reins supreme. At 12-years-old they will co-author a text about the internalized physiological effects of second-hand trauma, as experienced through the consumption of violent messages through general societal norms and mass media. They will expose and explicate the discrete ways in which previously immeasurable individual harm is inculcated through visual, aural, and subliminal means.
The non-traditional format of their seminal study will be equal part prose, poetry, ethnography, and abstract emotive graphic design. Their ability to empathize with and inhabit the characters they describe will be lauded as a preeminent literary achievement. The academic project will also be accompanied by concrete, prescriptive tactics for combatting negative energy and low self-esteem, essentially providing a theory for how to heal the human condition.
A curriculum adapted from the piece, and formed by the twins will be implemented into school systems across the nation. It’s efficacy will be immediate and sweeping! It will then be translated into every language, and specifically adapted to fit the unique cultures and needs of the communities it serves.
At 17, the twins will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Why? Because they will have fucking achieved world peace.
Thanks Beyonce, this year is finally looking up.