This Dude Wants You to Glue Your Vagina Shut

As a woman, I’m not very creative. Or rather, I’m naturally creative because I’m a soft, sensitive, and mystical creature, but one fourth of mental energy is squandered because as soon as I start to bleed out of my wherever, circulation to my brain ostensibly cuts off and I become consumed by my own hysterics. At least that’s what chiropractor and menstrual wizard Dr. Dan Dopps seems to think. Good thing that he has the wherewithal, ingenuity, and expertise to invent Mensez Feminine Lipstick: a glue stick for your vagina.

Ding! Like a child struck with the brilliant idea that they can dig a hole to China–and armed with the unchecked, confident, blissful ignorance to believe that they have the tools, endurance, and intelligence to do so–Dr. Dan Dopps has come up with a “revolutionary” alternative menstrual product. It’s one that is literally designed to seal together the “the lips down-under during the period.”

THIS IS REAL, PEOPLE.

On the product’s Facebook page, Dr. Dan Dopps himself describes how the product was developed to replace what he has called “plugs” and “diapers,” and instead create a seal that is dissolved with the user’s urine, so that while a woman is menstruating, the blood “stays up there where it belongs.”

When met with criticism from girls who obviously don’t know anything about vaginas, Dopps stopped them right in their tracks, with a rhetorical prowess that is simply unmatched: “You said that Mensez sounds incredibly awful, it is not.” Oh word? Thanks, human who could not possibly back-up that statement with any type of reliable personal testimony.

Dopps’ post continued by explaining that the only reason a woman didn’t come up with the idea before him is that “women are focused on and distracted by your period 25 percent of the time, making them far less productive than they could be [sic].”

This dude even has the audacity to suggest that having your vaginal lips stuck together would be “kind of fun.” Nah, man. Nah.

Apparently, we broads could’ve thought up the Mensez ourselves, but good old Dr. Dopps graciously let us off the hook, because it’s not really our fault that we’re duds, it’s because of Aunt Flo just getting in our way. “Women tend to be far more creative than men, but their periods that stifle them and play with their heads.[sic]”

Well in that case, thank goodness that god created man, so that man could step in and tell me how vaginas work. And thank goodness that man created glue, so that men could glue my vagina shut.

And that’s not the last of Dr. Dopp’s inspiring words; the man has a vision, dammit. “My dream is to have women free of the distractions, the psychological issues that goes along with their periods, and see what they develop [sic].”

Thank you! Please, free me from my bloody shackles! So that I, a mere female, can walk among my superiors without my mind being spontaneously hijacked. Honestly, it’s a miracle that I even made it to work today.

Yes, you’re absolutely right Dr. Dan. It’s not the patriarchy that’s been holding me back, it’s my own damned pesky body and useless functions. We’ve not been subjugated by systematic oppression and limiting and reductive social norms, it’s our hoohahs that have betrayed us!

I finally understand: Glueing ourselves shut could solve all sorts of problems. Our gaping vaginas aren’t just to blame for our inability to match our male counterparts in cognitive ability, they’re also totally responsible for all sorts of other things–like rape and unplanned pregnancy! Imagine the number of abortions we could avoid if we just applied some adhesive to our pussies. Duh! Like, we wouldn’t even need birth control or sex-ed because we could render our genitals completely useless until the rightful ownership of them is passed over to our husbands through marriage. Plus, then men won’t be distracted by our wide open crevices that are just begging for their attention, and sexual harassment will become obsolete as well!

Thanks, guy. What would the world do without men like you?

recommendations