What Is There To Be Thankful For This Year?

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In the aftermath of Thanksgiving, I’m always struck by the sheer decadence of the holiday season–and, furthermore, the unbridled endorsement of excess and capitalism that it represents. The spirit of the holidays doesn’t truly seem like a practice of graciousness, but rather a crash-course in overindulgence and greed. It’s celebrating what you have in the face of the reality that there are many who have not; it’s getting a new goddamn iPod shuffle even though who even uses iPods anymore?

So, this week, after the first of many days of gluttony that the season will bring, I think it’s worthwhile to take a moment to truly reflect on what we truly have to be thankful for.

What the actual fuck do we have, guys?

1. First of all, there’s Climate Change. I know, I know, it seems like this would be on the list of cons, doesn’t it? But as we wrap up the hottest year ever, you can bet that this winter won’t be quite as chilly as years past! That’s a net positive if you ask me!

2. Melania Trump. Yes, Donald Trump is a walking disaster! He may very well be the harbinger of the apocalypse! And he certainly might represent the fall of the free world as we know it. But, it’s not all bad: with him, into the White House, he’ll bring Melania. America’s premiere Artificially Intelligent First Lady. I know that in the wake of “Westworld” drama some are a bit apprehensive about having a robot in the West Wing–but I think we can all agree that it’s better than a real live woman being in power! Bitches are crazy, and stupid, am I right?

3. Birth Control. Now, I know that it can be a bit of a mental pain to remember to take your pill every day–or it can be a literal pain, because your IUD may cause crippling cramps or gnawing aches–but since men abandoned a study on male birth control because it causes acne and mood swings (side-effects women have been dealing with for decades…) our BC will really come in handy! Because when Donald Trump revokes our abortion rights we won’t be able to “rip the baby out of the womb” on a whim, as we’re so wont to do.

And there you have it, folks. The world isn’t all darkness and gloom. There really are some shining lights in the night to pull us through to the other side. So next time you’re feeling down in the dumps, or dreading attending the neighbor’s holiday party that your parents are dragging you to while you’re home, just remember: it can always get worse.

Is it 2020 yet?