White House Says Trump Playing “Limited Role” as President

In an effort to downplay Russian ties to the presidential administration, White House officials announced Wednesday that President Donald Trump plays “a very limited role” in his office as the chief executive of the United States government.

Released anonymously to the media by a White House staffer, the statement says that Trump himself has “barely any influence” and has “little to no role in terms of actual decision making,” attempting to eliminate speculation that Russia could potentially influence the American government through a president who the statement describes as “essentially impotent in all but title and rank.”

The statement didn’t stop there, however—the staffer went on to describe Trump’s golf game as “horrible, like watching a child rake leaves,” explaining the president’s frequent trips to play golf as “the only way we can get any work done around here without the old bag blasting the television or asking questions every three seconds. Seriously, how could anyone think he’s controlled by Russia? He puts chocolate milk in his Corn Flakes.”

The release comes on the heels of a frenzied news week during which the White House dodged numerous questions about possible collusion between the Russian government and the Trump campaign and administration. Press Secretary Sean Spicer described former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, whose ties to Russian politics and oligarchs was brought into greater light last week, as having “played a very limited role for a very limited amount of time” during his nearly six months in charge of the campaign.

Some speculated early on that the most recent statement was drafted by Spicer himself, but most now believe it’s merely a frustrated White House staffer, one of many charged with the rotating duty of “Trumping,” which involves “keeping [Trump] company, making sure his feet are warm, turning up the volume on Fox a little louder, and getting him downstairs when it’s time to sign something.”

In an addendum to the statement received by journalists hours later, the staffer went on to ask rhetorically, “I left my job at Goldman for this?”

At press time there was no direct comment from the president’s Twitter feed as to the accuracy of the statement.