Local Dad Offers Loose, Unspecific Reasoning to Justify Impromptu Hatred of Oscars

CAMBRIDGE, OHIO—After three hours of silently viewing the Oscars with his wife and two teenage children, local father Henry Gallagher lashed out toward no one in particular about his distaste for glamorous award shows and his general disdain for the myriad of celebrities who attend them.

Pressed by his family for further explanation of his spontaneous vitriol, Gallagher offered indistinct characterizations of celebrity culture as a whole, referring to attendant actors as “lazy, entitled assholes” who wouldn’t know a “real day’s work if it bit ’em right in the butt.”

“These people really think who the hell they are, huh? They all look nice, oh yeah. Real nice,” Gallagher seethed sarcastically, his eyes fixated on the living room television set. “Stick these nancies on a factory line, see how they do.”

Though taken somewhat aback by the outburst, the Gallagher clan was not altogether shocked. According to reports, Ginger, 14, heard her dad mumbling to himself during the red carpet show and throughout the award ceremony

“He said something early on about how dresses shouldn’t cost an average American’s salary,” she said. “During one of the speeches that went too long, he sort of groaned and shifted in his seat. I just ignored it.”

The Gallagher’s report about this type of behavior is typical of their patriarch while watching television as a family. Sources confirmed similar ramblings during this year’s Super Bowl halftime show, as well as consistent indiscriminate comments while watching the nightly news.

“He works very hard, he gets riled up sometimes,” said Henry’s wife Bethany, 51. “He’s usually able to keep himself under control.

What was so striking about Gallagher’s Oscars rant was not its subject matter, but unabated voracity in attacking everyone involved with the show. No one was safe, from actors and directors to sound technicians and film scientists.

“We need film scientists now? How about solving the problems of this country with science!” Gallagher ranted. “You learn about science your whole life and THIS is what you use it for? What a joke!”

Henry Jr., 16, attempted to retort by mentioning the robustness of the Hollywood industry and how many people it employs and empowers, but his father shot back with a viciously misdirected comeback.

“You know what else is an empowering industry in this country? Coal!” the elder Gallagher said. “You don’t see coal miners dressing up for fancy galas. You won’t see a coal miner in a tux. It’s because they’re out of work!”

When a group of unsuspecting tourists were brought into the theater by host Jimmy Kimmel, Gallagher squandered what was seemingly his final opportunity to appreciate just one simple facet of the show.

“Oh yeah, bring the ‘regular folks’ in, let them smile for the cameras too,” he said mockingly. “’Look, it’s the greatest moment of my life!’ Give me a break!”

Asked by Bethany why he was so incensed at the idea of award shows, Gallagher let loose again, reducing his already feeble argument to a sad pile of cliches and reaffirmations of a generally unreasoned stance.

“The makeup and the dresses and the smiles, all of it, it’s all bullshit! I don’t have to explain why!” he said. “This is my house, I can think what I want. I don’t like ’em, alright? Alright?”

After the rant was over Gallagher stormed off to bed, with the rest of the family watching the end of the broadcast in relative silence. At press time there were no reports or indications that the family would ever address the incident again, but sources close to the situation say it could crop up in an argument a few months down the line.

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