Tom Brady Sets Sights on Becoming Greatest of No-Time

In an impassioned speech on the steps of Boston City Hall following the Patriots’ championship parade Tuesday, New England quarterback and five-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady expressed his gratitude toward his coaches, teammates, and supporters, before turning his praise inward and communicating his desire to further transcend the sport of football and, indeed, life itself.

“I don’t want what I’ve done during my playing career in this realm to define my existence,” Brady bellowed into the microphone to the frenzied fans in attendance. “There are other dimensions in which to win championships, alternate realities in the vast chasm of our collective consciousness where game-winning drives are waiting to be led.”

The 39-year-old superstar quarterback described intricate dimensions traversing the limits of spacetime, including ones where football is played on ice mountains in front of mythical giants of legend, naked across thousands of miles of biblical deserts, and without lower extremities, among countless others.

“I could only dream of this kind of glory before,” Brady said with an unflinching, trance-like gaze. “Now both the immensity and simplicity of championship success has laid itself bare, taking on various forms just waiting to be conquered.”

Brady cemented his legacy as the greatest quarterback of all-time after he lead his team back from a 25-point, second-half deficit to defeat the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl LI. The win marked Brady’s fifth NFL championship, the most by any quarterback, and was punctuated by his fourth Super Bowl MVP award, as he completed 43 of his 62 passes for 466 yards and two touchdowns in what is already being considered as one of the greatest performances in football history.

“Winning this championship has provided a tremendous amount of personal clarity,” Brady said with a transient smile. “There is more to life here than football, but there is far more to football than life here.”

Stunned by Brady’s assertions, which directly challenged the small-minded tendencies of regionalism and tribalism that the city of Boston and New England as a region have become renowned for, the once-rowdy Patriots crowd fell deathly silent, unable to make out the meaning behind their quarterback’s words.

“One day, you will be with me too!” Brady excitedly reassured the fans in attendance. “We will all be there together, in the light and the dark, at the beginning and end of all things. I hope you will cheer me on there, and through all, but for now, I must go.”

Brady turned away briefly, but doubled back to quote noted philosopher Soren Kirkegaard.

“Life can only be understood backwards; it must be lived forwards!” Brady shouted, before disappearing in a cloud of blue smoke where he stood.

The chaos of the moment soon drew itself into an eerie calm as the flabbergasted crowd quickly dispersed from the area. Dogged by reporters for comment regarding Brady’s immediate and unexplained apparition, Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick offered only praise and encouragement for his quarterback.

“We support Tom and whatever tortuous route he plans to trek through the unexplored areas of our narrowly-defined existence,” Belichick said. “On to next season.”

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