After quietly meandering back to his desk, official timekeepers confirmed that accounts receivable clerk William Grabner broke an office record with a bathroom break that lasted two hours and 32 minutes, shattering his previous best by more than half an hour.
When asked by reporters about his momentous bathroom trip, Grabner didn’t seem to notice.
“Geez, was I gone that long? Time just gets away from me in there,” he said. “My wife downloaded all these new games on my phone and I’m hooked.”
Grabner’s coworkers were equally oblivious to their colleague’s record-breaking performance, even as it went on.
“Who, Willy? He’s right over there–” sales representative Eugene Falsted began to say before glancing over at Grabner’s unoccupied cubicle. “Oh. I guess he must’ve stepped out for a minute.”
Office intern Maggie Stevens attempted to flag down Grabner around halfway through his break to ask a question regarding invoices from a new client, but upon viewing his empty desk simply decided to come back in a little bit.
Sources confirm that Grabner is rather soft-spoken around the office, eschewing water cooler banter and gossip for online chats with his wife and focusing on his work. Pundits believe those qualities are what’s allowed him to seize firm control of the office record books—as of this writing, he holds nine of the top ten longest bathroom breaks, as well as the top five extended lunch hours.
“Willy’s a great guy, sweet as can be, but he keeps to himself,” said office manager Shiela Higgins. “Keeps his head down, does his work, clocks in, clocks out, goes home. He’s a good guy to have around.”
Asked if he had any plans on setting the bar even higher, Grabner didn’t leave out the possibility of longer bathroom breaks in the future.
“I just got this new game Candy Crush—I can’t get enough of it!” he said.