Apartment Garbage Bin Growing Jealous of Coffee Table Ash Tray

Amid scandalous reports of a longstanding rift between the two, sources confirmed late Tuesday evening that the primary garbage can in the apartment of brothers Rick and Mike Sanders, 24 and 26, has grown extremely jealous of the ash tray on the coffee table due to a decrease in consistent living room trash flow.

“Food, paper plates, even little things like napkins and wrappers all used to go directly to me,” the garbage can was quoted as saying. “But it’s like they’re using that thing as a mini trash. All the little things they eat or drop on the couch, boom, right in the ash tray.”

Studies have shown a large uptick in the placement of living room garbage in the ash tray. Aside from typical cigarette butts and joint ashes, the tray has received an influx of loose crumbs, candy wrappers, chewed gum, used tissues, and even the occasional batch of trimmed fingernails.

The waste eventually ends up in the garbage, of course, but the bin expressed his disbelief at the brothers’ laziness and lack of cleanliness, especially after overhearing a pact the two made upon first moving in to keep shared spaces clean and free of scraps and crumbs.

“It’s appalling. Once they’re parked on that couch, there’s no getting them up,” the garbage bin lamented. “Two months after moving in and it’s anarchy, pure and simple.”

One of the many qualms the bin has with the ash tray is its “immodest” style of holding waste without a lid to cover things up, nor a bag to separate itself from the physical trash.

“Disgusting, that’s all there is to it,” the bin said. “I’m garbage, but there’s reason and rule behind how I operate. You want to hide something in here? Toss other trash over it. You want to take the bag out? I’m still here, nice and fresh, mostly unstained.”

For its part, the tray thinks it’s nice to receive anything other than dirty ashes, and remains unaffected by the garbage bin’s growing animosity.

“The way I see it, you’re sitting on the couch or whatever and you don’t want to get up, that’s what I’m here for,” the ash tray said. “I’m just glad I’m here to help.”

When asked about putting more wrappers and small garbage in the ash tray, the Sanders brothers seemed relatively oblivious.

“Have we really been doing that? Damn. Oh well,” Mike said.

“Yeah, I put stuff in there sometimes,” Rick said. “Then I just bang it out in the trash.”

According to sources, the brothers placed a large Chinese food order before press time, but no word has been received about the placement of fortune cookie wrappers or empty sauce packets.

“Chinese food is my time to shine,” the garbage bin told reporters. “If any of that trash is split up, I might lose it.”

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