Crazy Uncle Prepares for Reasoned, Fact-Based Political Discussion at Thanksgiving Dinner

Now you can read us on the go! Check out the BTRtoday app for iOS and Android.

After relying consistently on emotional straw man argumentation and unabashed yelling during last year’s dinner, Jeff Harlden, better known as Uncle Jeff, has spent months preparing for this year’s political discussion at Thanksgiving.

“It was a real mess last year. Worse than usual,” said Heidi Burrows (née Haldren), Jeff’s sister. “I just hope he comes to dinner, stays quiet, and doesn’t try to upset the girls.”

According to sources, last year Haldren lost control when one of his college-age nieces brought up the idea of student loan forgiveness and free college tuition. He consistently referred back to articles and excerpts from Infowars and went on long rants admonishing his nieces for their “libertardian” education at their respective “Marxist” universities.

“He was a total douchebag,” said Tammy Burrows, a senior in college and the eldest of Jeff’s nieces. “I asked my parents not to invite him this year. Seriously, fuck him.”

“Looking back, I was entirely too combative and eager to rely on pseudo-facts from sources I hadn’t fully vetted,” Haldren said. “It was really a woeful showing on my part.”

In the months leading up to this Thanksgiving, Haldren says he’s made a real commitment to weighing the opinions of pundits on both sides and collecting information from bipartisan media sources, eschewing those he views as having an “overt agenda.” He has a number of opinions he’s ready to express about the election, including the delegitimization of the left wing media, the troubling rise of fake news, and the complacency of liberal voters.

“There really are so many topics to cover from this election, I know it’s important to be prepared,” Haldren said. “With all that’s going on, with all the civil unrest following Election Day, I think one of the most important things one can do is have a civil conversation with his family.”

One of Haldren’s strongest opinions, it appears, is on the so-called “silent majority” of working class white voters, of which he considers himself a part, who essentially won Trump the election in states like Pennsylvania, Michigan, Ohio, and Wisconsin.

“‘When the proletariat declares the dissolution of the hitherto existing word order, it merely declares the secret of its own existence, since it is in fact the dissolution of this order,’” Haldren said. “That’s Marx. Now, I’m no commie, but that sure sounds like the downtrodden working class in this country to me.”

A staunch conservative and unabashed Trump supporter, Haldren is well known for his argumentative antics around the Thanksgiving table. He once referred to President Bill Clinton as a “fire-spouting, whore-mongering socialist demon,” and in 2012 actually began crying at the prospect of another four years of Barack Obama in the White House, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance through watery eyes with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Sources confirm this behavior dates back decades, even while Ronald Reagan was in office.

“He’s been doing this kind of thing forever, even while our parents were alive,” Heidi said. “Yelling at people, calling them commies and socialist halfwits. I’ve been with Greg more than 20 years and he’s seen it all.”

Greg Burrows, Heidi’s husband and Jeff’s brother-in-law, refused to comment, but offered a noticeable grunt of approval at this year’s slate of Thanksgiving Day football games.

“The Cowboys are a hell of a team this year, should be a great game,” he said.

recommendations