By Anna Swann-Pye
Man in Prison. Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.
I suppose we should talk about the stupidest crimes of 2012. Every year, seriously moronic men and women commit equally idiotic acts. If Robin Hood uses his brain and bravery to commit crimes for the purpose of an unselfish good, these guys do exactly the opposite.
I’ll show you what I mean.
Edgard Dubon decided to steal clothes from a charity bin. Maybe he was hoping to find this years hippest moo moo or maybe he just really liked the idea of taking from the poor. Either way, he got what he deserved. It didn’t take long for Edgard Dubon to realize his literal misstep. Too little too late, he found that he was waist deep in blue jeans with no way out of the clothing reciprocal. When he realized he could not, in fact, rely on his own brawn to get him out, he called for help — first to the charity, then to 911, who eventually got Dubon out with the help of bolt cutters and an entire fire department. Nice job, Edgard. Next time maybe you’ll pick on dumpsters your own size.
Raymond Foley knows how to get the girls (as though looking like Lynyrd Skynyrd wasn’t enough to do the job). The IT guy at West Des Moines Farm Bureau office did a little outside research, managing to find the desk locations of every female employee in the bureau. Then he got selective — he looked up the ladies on Google and found the most eligible ones. Now, if you’re worried at this point about the safety of the women, you shouldn’t be. Because this crazy man with way too much information on his hands did something relatively innocuous. He peed. On every chosen woman’s chair. Again and again until, after complaints of weird smells and weirder stains, the bureau installed cameras and caught the culprit. Foley was fired. Where is he now? Hopefully off getting potty trained.
Cedric Mitchell tried to rob a hotel room. He made a pretty valiant effort too. He got in there and demanded the victims hand over some pills. Unfortunately, the inhabitants didn’t have any. They did have pepper spray, though, which they were totally happy to give to Mitchell (a heavy dose, too!). It wasn’t until Mitchell got outside that his vision cleared and he realized that he’d left his gun in the room. So, he went back and asked if he could buy it from them. It wasn’t until Mitchell got back in the room and the cops arrived that his vision really cleared and he realized that this burglary wasn’t going to pan out and that, in fact, he was an embarrassment to thieves everywhere. Mitchell was from Florida.
Baron Calmese was running low on funds. Being a not-so-smart career criminal, his career wasn’t actually going so hot. Thankfully, he had a relative who was making it. Calmese’s four-year-old nephew had saved up a whopping 500 dollars (mostly in coins) in his piggy bank. Lucky Baron. All he had to do now was ask for a loan. But his nephew was four, so maybe he could bypass the consent-to-money-borrowing-agreement all together. Calmese took all 500 dollars and spent it on “a piece of ass and heroin.” What a coincidence! Those were his nephew’s investment plans exactly.
Jacory Walker may have had the shortest bank robbery career in history. But, to be fair, robbing the bank wasn’t his initial plan. He walked into the First Convenience Bank, like any upstanding young gentleman might do, in order to take out some money. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any. Even more unfortunately, he only found this out after he had given the teller his social security number and a whole lot of other pretty important information. So, when he came back minutes later with a pretend gun and held up the bank it didn’t take long to track down the culprit, who had made it only a couple blocks and was still carrying a big bag full of dough.
Taylor Swift has been seen with various different dudes on her arm this year. George Boedecker Jr. was not one of them. Owner of the Crocs footwear franchise, Boedecker is apparently quite the Swift fan. Such a fan, in fact, that he actually believed that Swift was his “really famous” and “bat-shit crazy” girlfriend. When Boedecker was arrested for crashing his car while driving under the influence in Colorado, he explained that Swift had been the driver and had then simply teleported herself back to Nashville once the accident occurred. Duh. The only decision worse than that one might’ve been the decision to start the Crocs footwear franchise.
These are just a few of the many morons from this year. If you pay close enough attention and do everything in your power to steer clear of their chosen paths, you might get through 2013 without your face in the news and with a shred of dignity to hold onto. Good luck!