Image courtesy of The Onion.
BTR recently sat down to speak with Carol Kolb, Head Writer of The Onion News Network, to discuss world events, political intrigue, and other important journalistic shit that The Onion (“America’s finest news source”) finds worthy of publication.
By sat down with, of course, I meant that we sat at desks separate from one another and stared at a computer and by spoke, I meant via a single email exchange. The Onion does not permit physical meetings with non-Onion staff for fear of contracting the “Dumb” virus that plagues the general populace. Due to the extreme dangers of hearing the actual Voices of Reason out loud, phone calls are also prohibited. It would be the end of The Onion. It would be the end of the world (as we know it, but some other, awesome world that used chocolate chips as currency instead of money would probably pop up in its place).
Below is the interview, which took 17 years and $5.3 million worth of steak-dinner bribes to acquire.
BreakThru Radio: I’d just like to say how honored I am to speak with a high-ranking member of the greatest news source in the history of America. How do you think The Onion has maintained such credibility and integrity after all these years, anyway?
Carol Kolb, Head Writer Onion News Network: A megalomaniacal desire to be the number one news source in America. It drives us like a sickness.
BTR: The Onion has a rich history in relying on stupidity as the main thrust of human history and change – its original motto being Tu Stultus Es (“You are stupid” in Latin) and later “Our Dumb World.” What caused the founding editor, Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel, to take such a novel approach to journalism?
CK: I’m impressed you know so much about Onion history. You probably are aware that Friedrich was a tuber farmer who immigrated from Germany. He got his start by trading a sack of potatoes for a printing press, but the bottom of the sack was filled with rocks. Ever since that point he saw the potential for exploiting the stupid for his personal gain.
BTR: Does it ever bother you that The New York Times, The London Times, CNN, NBC, and every single other news publication and TV network ever created borrowed so much from The Onion without even asking permission?
CK: If they started to get even close to becoming our competitors we’d start to worry, but for now they’re easy to dismiss. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
BTR: Do you and the staff ever get tired of people thinking your content is satirical and fictitious? Does it get on your nerves when certain stories such as “Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids” are not taken seriously?
CK: As long as they are watching and reading we aren’t concerned whether they actually understand. We just care about the numbers.
BTR: Is there a reason there are news publications that aren’t The Onion?
CK: Absolutely. People have a need to spread newspapers around when they paint and they are good for peeling carrots onto as well. You can just scoop The New York Times up, peelings and all, and pop it in the garbage. Very useful.
BTR: Has The Onion ever considered buying out Rupert Murdoch? Is Rupert Murdoch worth owning?
CK: Our wiretaps and hidden microphones show a lot of doubt and fear within his company. We’d rather stay away.
BTR: What’s next for The Onion?
CK: Fiber optics.
There you have it: Fiber optics, German immigrants, and carrot skin. Three things talked about above that I am now re-iterating to ensure that you continue reading until the final line, because the final line is vital to your understanding of The Onion and invariably, the world. It’s those three items that have a role to play in the coming apocalypse…a role that also involves a coalition of cheetahs.
This article will self-destruct in t-minus 10…9…8…7…shit, someone cut the wire.