‘Tis the season: Everyone is heading home for the holidays to hunker down and face the cold with warm family dinners and stories from days spent apart. The yule log burning, tinsel and roast turkey filling stockinged halls, the laughter of mom and dad, brother, sister and extended relatives rings with merry cheer…
Well, perhaps this Hallmark-worthy scene is a bit far-off the mark from the awkward reality that most will encounter upon returning home.
Racist grandparents, pompous in-laws, judgmental parents, and more goddamned talk about President Trump. Yippy. Here are some tips from staffers at BTRtoday about how to survive torpid family reunions during the holidays. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
Alcohol. Need I say more? The antidote to a tense dinner with in-laws? Alcohol. Want to avoid talking about your life-goals? Alcohol. Your aunt won’t stop talking about her new rescue dog? Alcohol. Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to go overboard, and of course it’s always better to err on the side of caution than drink yourself into oblivion, but if things are feeling tough a glass of wine to calm the nerves really ain’t that bad of an idea. Or try making a fancy cocktail; this will both get you some alone time in the kitchen to collect your nerves, and leave you with a delicious drink after it’s all said and done. THANK YOU ALCOHOL, WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YOU? – Becca Chodorkoff
Bring home a nice, upstanding gentleman who compliments your mother’s floral arrangements, light-dimmers and nail polish. Make sure he knows business and football and of course make sure he voted Trump and has never EVER smoked a joint in his life because pot makes men lazy and no woman should waste her time on a lazy man. Don’t smoke cigarettes. Make sure your man has clean hair, a good relationship with his mother and a watch–all successful businessmen wear a watch, Lastly, bring toothpaste, in case you vomit a little in your mouth. – Kimberly Ruth
Ah, the holiday season with the fam: welcome to passive-aggressive central! “You sure you want ALL THOSE sides, honey? You just lost some extra weight,” smirks grandma/mother/aunt as you try not to fling the plate into their face. Just remember, they’re probably mad jelly of your youthful, beautiful self, so keep layering the sides and make sure you put laxatives into the dessert you brought as a big thank you. 😉 – Irina Groushevaia
Here’s a tip the #lamestream media won’t tell you about: you don’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends. This holiday season, instead of dealing with your mother’s incessant nagging about your romantic life or your father’s unruly political leanings, gather with friends who wholeheartedly agree with you on every conceivable topic and don’t judge you for anything you’ve ever done, no matter how stupid or idiotic or criminal. Why should you be forced to deal with the people who loved you and supported you before you even knew what love and support were if they just DON’T get it? – Joe Virgillito
Honestly, the best thing to have is a partner in crime. Like, when your grandma starts going off about how people with tattoos are messed up in the head, little does she know you have at least a dozen on your body, you can roll your eyes at SOMEBODY who gets it, and then it’s all ok. Plus, it’s someone who can distract the masses while you take tequila shots and vice versa. – Elena Childers