Screenshot property of Craigslist.org
Craig’s List “Missed Connections”: It’s a place, like most places on the Internet, where we can pretend to be more courageous than we are IRL. Sometimes these acts of courage lead to real connections, but usually they’re just burps in the wind. Here’s a collection of missed connections from the upcoming one-man show I’ll be performing whenever someone recognizes how great it is- Missed Connections Confessionals: Unanswered and Uncensored.
To the bottle-popper at the 7/11 on Amsterdam w4m – 26
You were drinking a bottle of Dom Perignon by yourself next to the 7/11 on 93rd and Amsterdam. I was eating chips and needed something to wash it down, but was too nervous to ask you if you could spare a sip for a salty-mouthed girl.
I’ll be at the 7/11 every day for three weeks at sundown. Expect me in the chip aisle.
Fell in love with Knicks basketball player – but who are you? m4m
Was at MSG last night expecting to watch the Knicks lose. I was wrong. You showed up and it was magical. Didn’t catch your name because I have bad vision, but the moves you were making on the court were impressive and made me think about what kind of moves I could put on you. You looked Asian but I can’t be sure. My name’s Jim and I own the Knicks, you can call me at home.
Why can’t you facebook me back? w4w
I’ve been writing on your facebook wall for six years now and you haven’t responded once. Why are you torturing me? Why do you lead me on? Is it fun for you to tease people or are you just a coward who can’t grow up and tell someone to their facebook that they don’t like them? Do you like attention so much that you’d rather have it from anyone than not have it at all? You make me sick. I love you. Please just write on my wall. I love you.
Love is a movie rental – Blockbuster on Houston m4w
There you were.
Moving through the aisles
Like a movie with an ending.
I’d rather pay the late fees
Every day forever
Than let someone else
Take you out and give you back.
You deserve more than temporary lovin.
You’re better than her – she’s nasty w4m
Yeah you. You know who you are. She’s nasty. I’m not. I’ll give you what you want AND what you need. Meet me at the corner of Duane and Reade on Saturday at noon. I’ll be wearing a Batman cape and a yellow pimp stick.
Susie, or Suzie – I wanted to congratulate you last night m4w
I wanted to congratulate you on winning bingo the other night but the orderlies carried you out after you started peeing and we were all ordered to stay seated so they could clean up. I’ve seen you listening to the radio but I’m not allowed to go over there anymore. Meet me at the pill station.
I’ve been snake-poisoned – still looking for a place to live
You promised me a viewing of the 1 bedroom in Bed-Stuy this Sunday but when I showed up, the door to your apartment was open and a pack of dogs was raiding the kitchen. They couldn’t figure out how to open the fridge so I helped them out. When I opened the fridge, I found at least a dozen bags of blood and a cake that looked like it was made out of meat. I opened the freezer and found a live snake. It bit me. I’m in the hospital and they tell me it was a Blue Krait that bit me, and that I have 6 months to live.
Are you still subletting the smaller room from July through December? Thanks.