A Word With Santa - Holiday Week


photo by Loren Javier

Santa, it means so much that you’ve taken time out of your busy schedule to have a sit-down with BreakThru Radio.

Ho ho ho! Santa loves independent-media coverage!

Oh great! Did you happen to read our piece on the War on Christmas? Do you have any opinions on that?

War on Christmas? Ho ho ho! Who would wage war on the most beloved holiday of all?

Well, that’s kind of the point, Santa. You see, there are a lot of people out there who feel that Christmas is over-represented in our society of diverse backgrounds and cultures, not all of which partake in its celebration. As such, terms like ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Christmas Tree’ have been replaced with ‘Happy Holidays’ and ‘Holiday Tree.’ Some people consider this an act of war against Christmas, and by proxy, you.

Ho ho ho! Sounds like a bunch of reindeer-sh*t to Santa! I’m too busy delivering gifts and happiness to the children of the world to be concerned with such nonsense! The only war Santa wants to fight is the war against frowns! Ho ho ho!

That’s beautiful, Santa. So what are some of your favorite places to bring presents?

Santa loves southern America! They leave me only the fattiest and ooey-gooey-ist cookies of all! How do you think I became so plump? Have you ever had Paula Deen’s Monster cookies? Goodness me, if only Santa wasn’t a married man… ho ho ho!

I can’t say I’ve tried them, Santa. I’m from the tri-state area. We don’t enjoy things here.

Ho ho ho! Then Santa has a question for you! I’m very confused when I visit Brooklyn! Can you tell me what an ‘arrowroot’ cookie is? My goodness, Santa doesn’t even get many lists from Brooklyn! Everyone seems satisfied receiving their grandma’s knit sweaters! Ho ho ho!

It’s too difficult to explain, Santa. You mentioned getting lists, are you still using snail mail or have you upgraded to an online option?

Santa’s been cloud computing! Ho ho ho! It’s so much easier to distribute work to my elves! The children can upload their lists to me online! But as long as children are writing, Santa will always accept their letters!

I’m sure they’ll all be texting you within a matter of years. So I’m sure you’ve noticed the Occupy Wall Street movement, as well as protests happening around the world. Have you ever had a problem with your elves unionizing?

Collective bargaining is bad for Christmas! Ho ho ho! Capitalism keeps Santa employed! WIthout mass consumerism, I would have to retire! Ho ho–hmm, actually, these protesters might be onto something here! Ho ho ho! The North Pole is watching! Tax the rich! Ho ho ho!

Righteous, Santa. Speaking of corporate power, you’re the face of Coca-Cola, which has been accused of selling soft drinks in the UK which contained up to 300 times the amount of pesticides that are considered acceptable. Their plants have also been accused of dehydrating and poisoning farmland in India, leaving thousands of people out of work. Do you have any opinion on that?

Ho ho ho! Santa can’t comment without talking to his lawyer!

Sorry, didn’t mean to bring up a sensitive topic. So, you’re immortal. What’s that like?

It isn’t all it’s cracked up to be! Ho ho ho! The television programming just gets worse and worse! Sometimes I simply misunderstand the culture! I mean, why are these Twilight vampires so beloved? Ho ho ho! The young ones love Edward more than me! How can this be? We both have to live forever, but I at least try to look happy about it! Ho ho ho!

I don’t get the kids either, Santa. All the happy meals and corn syrup must be getting to their heads. Well, I’m sure you have lots of mirth and joy to deliver, so thanks for stopping by!

Ho ho ho, it was my pleasure! Merry Christmas—or, Merry Holidays, or, whatever! Ho ho ho!