A Complete Guide to Deleting Your Facebook Account - Facebookistan Week

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS Zachary Ehren

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

There was a time when Facebook was just something people talked about in passing. College students across the country were joining a new social network that seemed like everything else on the market. But as the years passed, it grew from a source for gentlemen in their early 20’s to court young ladies, to a cultural phenomenon where everyone and their grandmother (my grandma “pokes” me, therefore she loves me) has an account.

Years after retiring your Myspace account, maybe you have decided to send your Facebook account up the river as well. The pains of watching the lives of others on the internet has grown to be too much and you want to get rid of Mark Zuckerberg’s social empire once and for all.

Fair enough.

There are plenty of reasons why you have come to this decision. Perhaps it’s because you grew weary of the constant cosmetic changes to your profile. I get it. You grew accustomed to seeing your list of friends on one side, your comments in the middle and your relationship status in a box in the corner. Then, out of nowhere – BAM! – the assholes over at the FB offices smack you in the face with an update and your whole world collapses. Now your list of friends is two inches to the top and a few inches to the right, your comments are scattered in a different way, god knows where the relationship status is and as an added stressor, you need to scrounge up a bitchin’ cover photo. The world is tough and things just got tougher.

Let’s say you’re a left-handed, devil-worshipping albino from North Dakota that loves cats. One day, while stalking a person you never talked to in college, you notice an advertisement for a book titled “Beelzebub n’ Boots: How to Worship the Devil with your Feline Friend” and then another for a T-shirt reading “I’m Difficult to Find in a Blizzard.” You soon fear everything you do is being documented on this website. Maybe Zuckerberg and his gang know exactly what you are doing at night with that Scooby Doo stuffed animal that, when shifted to the left in the right moon-light, looks uncannily like Keira Knightley. You gotta get out of there, man. You must get out of Dodge before Big Brother discovers anything more without you.

But before you take the leap of faith into the ancient, dark world of text-only emails and complete ignorance to your friends’ statuses, please keep the following things in mind:

1. You no longer care about the future outcome of this world.

It’s amazing that the good guys were able to win World War II, the Civil Rights movement was a success, smallpox was eradicated and the Cleveland Browns were brought back to life in 1999 without the assistance of Facebook “likes”. Today, nothing good is accomplished without the assistance of your clicking the “like” button to spread the word about some hot topic. Without your support in this matter, you obviously hate Jesus/Moses/Mohammed, won’t ever support the troops, condone child slavery, wish breast cancer on every woman, and think Trayvon Martin was asking for it. But if you continue to stay with us, you can continue to fight the good fight because nothing gets more accomplished than a click of a mouse. Will you? Sadly, 99% of you won’t spread the word about how important this is to our civilization.

2. You no longer care about any of your friends.

Once you have signed off for the last time, you are also giving the middle finger to everyone you know used to know. People put their heart and soul into their Facebook statuses and guess what: you will no longer be part of that (their hearts and souls). Just think about all of those beautifully cooked meals that you won’t be able to see pictures of, all of the calls for attention when your friend in need posts ambiguous updates (like “UGH! I can’t believe that just happened!!! :(((“) all of the melodrama of your cousin’s ex-roommate and their back and forth love/hate relationships with their boy or girlfriend that you will no longer be involved in. Your support will be eradicated from these aspects of life, forever.

So, if you do go through with deleting your account, and you are enjoying the fresh air of the outside world, think about all of the self-taken pictures of that hot girl you went to high school with that you’ll be missing. She’s trying to show you how her hair looks, and you just turned a cold shoulder. For shame.

Kudos to you if you have taken all of these things into account and are still leaning towards deactivation. If you do decide that Facebook is no longer for you, do not announce this via status update. Plenty of people have made announcements saying they have had enough while looking for a New Orleans jazz funeral march to see them off, only to see them posting their favorite song lyrics a couple days later. Yes, we are judging them. Just as anything else, leave Facebook with class. Ride off into the sunset and leave all of the misquotations and bad grammar behind. It will all be waiting for you in a couple days when you decide to come back.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

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