Written by DJ Jake
Apart from the killogallons of porn littering the warehouses of the internet, there is an incredible surplus of amazing, informative lists (you know – top 10s, best things, worst things, coolest things, weirdest things, top 10 cool weird tricks) that have come to rival, as far as societal importance goes, even the most hardcore of hardcore journalism and piquant editorial content. Everyone who’s anyone knows that the best lists are all about the lolz factor, and what’s funnier than anything in the world? Straight-to-DVD Sequels, AKA S2DVD sequels, and compiling them in ONE mega-list of hilarity is what we, here at BTR Today, have done. Below are the creamiest of the cream of the crop of Straight-to-DVD Sequels lists exclusively found on the internet.
“Air Bud’s back, and this time he’s not fucking around!”
– unOfficial Air Bud 2 tagline
FLAVORPILL.COM’s legendary article, “Terrible Twos: 10 Film Sequels You’ve Probably Never Heard Of” by Romy Oituski (published on November 25, 2011) is perhaps most famous for introducing mainstream internet blog audiences to the word “midquel.” Oituski defines the midquel, post-hoc, as the prequel to the potential sequel of the original film that ends up becoming the endquel (i.e. “Bambi II, a midquel in which a stunned Bambi deals with losing his mom…”) once the series has reached an official end. This list that you’re currently not reading will be known for irresponsibly introducing the term “endquel” to the bottomless pit of cultural portmanteaus.
CRACKED.COM’s “If Every Movie Got a Straight-to-DVD Sequel,” written by Cracked Readers, surprised even the most jaded of internet pop culture list-readers with its revolutionary “Top 13” format, a brazen departure from the standard “Top 10” list format that seemed to wake everyone up to the oppressive confinement of the proto-fascist Top 10 scheme. “True revolutionaries,” Famous P. Erson once said, “do not disrupt the tides of fashion simply for the sake of disruption; rather, they harness the moon and move the waves themselves.”
Woah! Talk about being “On-Fire”! This photo-joke courtesy of Cracked.com had me Stop, drop and ROFLMAOing into a 3rd degree laugh burn!
CRACKED.COM’s less ambitious prequel article from 2007, “5 Completely Unnecessary Direct-to-DVD Movie Sequels” took a more critical approach to the sequel-making market by, among other ohsnaps, all but burying the down-on-his-luck actor bum has-been poseur phony douchebag slut Christian Slater for signing on to the straight-to-DVD project Hollow Man 2: “It’s a little unclear why a film series like Hollow Man even needs a known commodity to play a character whose face goes unseen for all but seven minutes of screen time. But judging from his low profile in recent years, Slater knows a little something about how to be invisible to a mainstream audience.” Me-YOW! Cracked.com sure knows how to sass up the Hollywood gossip pot!
BUZZFEED.COM’s “The 35 Worst Straight-to-DVD Sequels of the 2000s” may not be the most organized, informative, or non-lazy example in the genre of knee-slapping, LOL-branded best/worst straight-to-DVD lists, but at least it’s honest about one thing: no one under the age of 25 enjoys reading even half as much as they enjoy pretending to be adults. Again: reading is for the olds. Enjoy this photo, young bloods:
Turns out this ISN’T actually Jim Carey’s real son! Shyamalan’d!
PAJIBA.COM’s “10 Straight to DVD Sequels You Probably Didn’t Know Existed” takes the “you probably didn’t know existed” internet headline trope and provides a simple yet effective (“simple yet effective” – a simple yet effective cliche) hand-selected photo-list of, in their opinion, the most unheard-of straight-to-DVD sequels. A facile but adequate list, Pajiba’s effort is a good transition from the bad to the good and the ugly of S2DVD sequels lists on the internet (the rest of these lists are good and/or ugly, fyi).
MOVIEFONE.COM’s “15 Ludicrous Straight-to-DVD Sequels That Actually Exist” is so confident about its opening lede that it copy-pasted it, verbatim, right below itself. “This is such trenchant commentary from one of our writers on the “Sequel Pandemic,” the editor thought to himself, “that we felt it needed the power of repetition for readers to comprehend its significance.” The relentless wit, unloaded in the form of mini-titles above each sequel’s DVD cover image, is the comic cherry on top of this masterfully choreographed list article.
Can’t get any meaner than Mean Girls 1, right? Guess again, you gap-toothed bitch!
MOVIEHOLE.NET’s “20 Direct-to-DVD Movies Coming in 2011” begins with a tastefully racist prison rape joke about Wesley Snipes, then flows seamlessly into an info-byte on the direct-to-DVD community by mentioning C. Thomas Howell, one of the S2DVD kingpins here in America. I came out of this list with new knowledge of the S2DVD world, and a deeper appreciation for the complexity of what I had assumed to be the dying medium of internet listography.
HOLLYWOOD.COM’s “Direct-to-DVD: Sequel Mania!” is, unlike most of the aforementioned lists that seem to treat the subject matter with a cruel dose of levity, more accepting of the S2DVD world, much like a psychotic lion is to an abandoned human infant. Like the psychotic but gentle lion, the author proves a tender predator for these fish-in-barrels, appointing Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (dir. John Gulager) as his second favorite S2DVD sequel and lauding it for taking full advantage of the S2DVD sequel format by creating “an even bigger, messier and tastier Feast…painting the town red with blood in gleefully demented ways.” I greatly admire the predator who relishes the hunt over the catch. It’s also the mark of a great listographer.
BTRTODAY.COM’s “The 10 Best Worst Straight-to-DVD Sequels Lists on the Internet” not only incorporates photos of some of the best-worst straight-to-DVD sequels, but it aggregates the greatest of the greatest and worst straight-to-DVD sequels lists in existence on the internet, creating a much easier, user-friendly experience for the cinematographically curious reader. HuffPost must be seriously jealous of our aggregating chops! JK, luv u HP 😉
-xoxo Gossip Jake