As the incumbent Entrepreneurial Director of BTR (challengers Avi and Pat are both scoundrels and liars), I have taken it upon myself to unload some of my greatest innovations as a token of gratitude to all who have been loyal fans of SimuNation and me, DJ Jake, since the beginning of my time here on Earth. Five of 69 of my most treasured prospective entrepreneurial ventures are here on display for you to explore and, as long as you give me generous donations and the occasional shout-out, I will give you ownership to the invention of your choosing.
Youtensil: Utensils for mealtime, on YOUR time! I don’t know much about much, but I do know that one day my hands will be so outrageously carpal tunnelled from typing and texting so incessantly that eating will become a painful experience. For everyone else raised on keyboards, I give you the Youtensil, a retractable fork, spoon, and knife that, through arduous and very invasive surgery, attaches to the nerves in your wrist to give full motor control of utensils. My team of neurosurgeons agrees: Our frail human fingers will one day be vestigial, and should be sooner rather than later lopped off our bodies anyway.
Kipsor: You ever get tired of switching back and forth between yarmulkes and baseball caps? I know I did – that is, until I created Kipsor. That’s right, Kipsor – one part kippah, one part visor. It’s not just some boring hat – it’s a visor and a yarmulke AND a hat all in one! Thanks to the power of Velcro, with Kipsor you can go from pool-wear to shul-wear in a matter of seconds! Plus, you can look cool without having to worry about hat-head!
Peep-a-scope: From deep within my laboratories (I own something like a baker’s dozen science laboratories) I crafted this essential device. The Peep-a-scope is a fold-up periscope that can be brought anywhere and everywhere peeping is permitted. Turn your dumb life into a submarine adventure with the Peep-a-scope, and bravely peep where no man has peeped before! Embark on a midnight recon mission with our patented Peep-a-scope Nite Vision, and explore the interior of your worst enemy’s home with the cloaking field (cloaking field sold separately). The Peep-a-scope is not FDA approved, and should be kept away from both big and small children.
Gag Bag: This mystery-filled bag contains surprise items ranging from sedated rodents and wolf teeth to candy corn and ketchup packets. Give your depressed customers a boost of hope after they shill out their hard-earned money for your faulty products – with every purchase they make, offer them a $5 Gag Bag! It’s like the lottery, but way more fun (and often dangerous), Gag Bags could have anything inside from a gold brick to a lump of coal, a shrieking cat, or even a serving of French onion soup (or to whichever soup your imagination takes you). The possibilities are almost endless (while soup/cat supplies last), and your customers will always come back for more, wondering what they might let out of the bag next. Sur-prize! You’ve been gag bagged!
*Make sure to place Gag Bags strategically at cash registers to exploit compulsive shoppers. Comes without the social stigma of buying a lottery ticket, and is especially attractive to children (optimal position for most products is at child’s eye level, if you didn’t already know).
ForeverEasy: Livin’ easy ain’t just for the summertime anymore! Nope – it’s for forever time now! ForeverEasy! Call up ForeverEasy, the service that hires poor/homeless people to do all your shopping, excel at your job, raise your kids, and complete similarly menial tasks in your place while you attend to more important matters like ignoring “reality” and huffing keyboard cleaner! Never experience the sensation of anxiety, worry, or guilt again with ForeverEasy, the full service living agency that lets you to pawn off the challenges of life so you can finally rest in peace for once! To schedule a consultation, dial 1, then 801, then four numbers of your choosing, then hang up, then leave your house and yell, “I’m Free!” Then explain to your friends and family that you quit. Finally, an agent will pick you up in a dark blue van and drive you to our staffing facility where you will assign our employees to live out each part of your life for you.