Kidz Bopping - Child Week

By John J. Hater

NOW albums and KIDZ BOP albums are generally not “albums” by any stretch, so my approach to this review of the most recent KIDZ BOP installation (22) will be less of an attempt to unpack the gestalt of the work, and more of a song-by-song analysis. This way you, the child (or child singing voice-loving) consumer, know which tracks to skip and which to put on continuous play while you prepare for elementary school in the morning.

KIDZ BOP 22 official album art.

“Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson
I’ve never actually heard this track by the alleged singer “Kelly Clarkson”, but I’d love to after hearing this dreadful piss of an opener. I’m hoping that the alleged “American Idol” winner delivered the quasi-ironic cliche (“What doesn’t hurt you [Makes you stronger]”) better than this charlatan of a child singer, but since I’ve been banned from YouTube for, allegedly, writing “hateful comments” about various pop stars, I might never hear the original. So, I’m stuck with this dreadful piss of a cover song!

“Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen
Sadly, this version doesn’t quite capture the postmodern self-conscious energy of the original, sung of course by Carly Rae Jepsen, but the duet definitely adds a fun-loving touch to an otherwise pathos-laden and literary-reference heavy composition. The child singer plays around a bit with pitch, attempting, I think, to differentiate herself from Ms. Jepsen, but in the end it fails to compare or exceed. She should have thought a little harder before she needlessly butchered a masterpiece.

“Starships” by Nicki Minaj
Don’t bother.

“Domino” by Jessie J
I have no patience for child-sung covers like this. If she’s dead, then Jessie J is probably turning in her grave listening to this. If she’s alive, she should hire a lawyer and sue Kidz Bop for defamation. Actually, she should just quit this singing nonsense and take to the streets to rally against the presence of innocent children in the evil music industry. It’s probably violating some obscure child labor law anyway, to pay a minor to sound this atrocious in public and forever destroy her chance of becoming a normal, contributing member of society.

“Payphone” by Maroon 5
I’d been awaiting Maroon 5’s inevitable death for years, but I’ve got to admit, this child cover has completely re-piqued my interest in Adam Levine and the gang. Idiot that I was when I was young, I told my Maroon 5 loving girlfriend that the band “sucked” and “deserved no more adulation than Hitler.” She immediately broke up with me over it.

“Glad You Came” by The Wanted
“I’m glad you came, I’m glad you came” is something a child should never hear unless they’re old enough to understand that the verb “to come” has an alternate meaning relating to sexual climaxes. Until then, all mentions of the word “come” should just be purged from their vocabulary and taken off of all standardized tests.

“Drive By” by Train
If I hear this song one more time without watching that majestically-edited Ford cars commercial starring the New York Yankees full-time shortstop Derek Jeter, I might actually consider purchasing a Chevy pick-up instead of an F-150! Would it have hurt these brats to mention the new 2013 Ford F-150 a few times? It’s like they don’t even realize that it has the BEST combination of torque, capability, AND fuel economy in its class! No wonder guys doing the toughest work trust F-150!

“Part of Me” by Katy Perry
What the hell is this song supposed to be about? Disembodiment? “You chewed me up and spit me out??!!” Now, I have no issue with straight-up offering children the choice to decide, for themselves, if they’d like to eat another member of their species, but as a former child I can tell you that I’d rather have my spirit nibbled at over time than my body gnawed on and spat out.

“What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction
Talk about a flash from the pan past! Is there a greater heaven on earth than the rockin’ 90s put on an infinite loop? As for the cover, these kids shouldn’t even be touching boy band material until they get themselves an education. These junior timberlakes need a lesson in boy band history, from the Backstreet Boys to N’Sync. I bet not a one of them even knows how badly Lance Bass wanted to be an astronaut when he was their age.

“Dance Again” by Jennifer Lopez, featuring Pitbul.
Didn’t listen to it.

Give me a ring on twitter and I’ll send you a PERSONALIZED review of this Kidz Bop cover of Justin Bieber’s latest, @jonjhater69. Remember to hashtag #kidzbop #bieberfieber.

“Feel So Close” by Calvin Harris, “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye, feat. Kimbra
This is my final bit of reviewing, because I’ve got a whole F-150 load of other CD’s to express my hatred for and it’s a well known fact that the final songs on every music album are never worth listening to.

If you’re a child, you should NOT listen to these two songs. Delete them if you have to. Scratch the CD, or drag out the tape on the cassette or whatever you’re using these days to steal music. Stop reading, and go brush your damn teeth.

Now, for the evil adults running Kidz Bop Records: What kind of message are we sending to our children when we have them sing “I feel so close to you right now” and follow right up with “Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.” This is the kind of song sequencing that leads children to develop unhealthy definitions of what relationships should look like; are we teaching our kids how to love in a reasonable fashion anymore? Our children deserve more consistent messages during these very important stages of cultural indoctrination, and I don’t think Kidz Bop has a particularly savvy take on what sorts of crap we should be shoveling into the brain cavities of our youth.

Please don’t listen to this album unless you’re a consenting adult. I thought it would be tame, but it’s just rife with mixed messages of love and heartbreak, and other topics that children, and really people in general, should never, ever know about.