By Dakota Fanning, Jr.
It’s Friday night, after work. You’re exhausted. You barely kept your eyes open on the subway. You’re not in the mood to go out for margaritas with your best friend group. You’re not in the mood to heat up mama’s meatballs. You’re not even in the mood to call Poppy’s Pizza Shack to order a personal pie, and now you’re worried you’ll starve to death unless, if the world were a much more awesome place, a pizza fairy pops through your window with a magic pizza and feeds you until you fall into a deep happy sleep.
That’s exactly what happened to Bill James, Brooklyn native and director of homeland security at the 34th street Dingus Donut Holes, last Friday evening.
“I couldn’t get off my couch,” James said through a breathing tube, using differing sequences of winks, nostril flares, and lip-pursing to relate his story. “It was painful. I thought I’d never eat again until the next morning.”
When James returned to his home from the hospital, he grew increasingly anxious of the probability that this would happen again, and he wouldn’t be so lucky next time.
But when James found out about the Pizza Boys’ That Was Easy-Pizzy Button© that, when pressed, sends a signal to the Pizza Boys Headquarters, where a pizza is sent back in soundwave form and shot through your Pizza Boys Speakers© for your listening and consumption pleasure, he was overjoyed.
“I never have to leave my apartment again, except for work!” said James, “and to go feed my kids, but I hear the Pizza Boys are developing a button for that, too!”
At this point, the Pizza Boys could not be reached for comment concerning this children-feeding button. When asked about Bill James, the Pizza Boys wrote on their blog, “He’s an American Pizza Hero. I just hope we can continue in our mission to make eating pizza easier and pizzier for everybody in the world the way we’ve done for Bill.”
Currently, the Pizza Boys are working on a new model for their drive-by pizza restaurant, which was involved in the destruction of multiple city blocks in downtown New York. They paid for all damages.
The above article is promotional material for the Pizza Boys’ That Was Easy-Pizzy Button©, product of Pizza Boys Corporation Intl.