Written by: Danielle Pittner
There are two reasons for the Super Bowl: food and beer. If you haven’t already planned out your party, or started to but were distracted by football, or realized you don’t have any friends and moped in a dark corner, then now is the time to gather your dignity and refocus! Save the football watching for Sunday! Find a party to crash! Time is of the essence as the Big Bowl Day is right around the corner. To ease your nerves, we’ve included some knockout recipes that will surely wow your guests, tantalize the taste buds, and spur some great icebreakers for those party crashers.
Ladies, throw aside the apron, it’s time to get down and dirty with some Spicy Barbecue Seitan Wings. This recipe will spice up the kitchen and impress even the most skeptical of faux-meat skeptics. (Seitan is pronounced ‘say-tan’, unlike the dark lord of the fiery pits of Hell, known to many as Satan).
Buffalo seitan slices and asparagus, to give you an idea. Photo by Ramsey Beyer.
There are two ways to go about making seitan. One way involves cutting, mixing, kneading, punching, stretching, and simmering. If you’re more like me and less inclined for a full body workout, there is hope. The second option involves going to your local organic food store and buying pre-made seitan. Much like one would buy hot dogs, or really, any food. Once you have legally purchased the seitan and have reached a seitan-friendly safe space, unwrap your goods, then slice, dice, and smother! Slice the setian into strips the size of your liking, dice some onions to saute, and smother it all in barbecue sauce. Best when served hot. Badabing badaboom! You’re a champion.
Now fellas, it’s time to don that apron, yes, the one your mother got custom printed with the words, “The Boy Can Cook!” Wear it proudly and pour one out for her, even if she’s standing right next to you. Try not to pour it on her, though.
Quarterback Crunch, appropriately named for the Super Bowl theme, will have girls knocking on your door for as the saying goes, ‘the way to a woman’s heart is through a man in an apron baking sweet treats.’ So, gather your varied Chex cereals, pretzels, buttery crackers, and anything else with a crunch (beetles are not suggested although they would add protein) into a large bowl. Now for some stovetopping! If you are not familiar with the stovetop, supervision and/or a nearby fire extinguisher is highly recommended.
All warning aside, combine the following:
- 3/4 cups light corn syrup
- 1/3 cups of sugar
- 1/3 cups brown sugar
- and 1/3 cups butter
1/3 is your magic fraction. Cook that over medium heat until mixture boils. While stirring constantly, add 3/4 cup of creamy peanut butter. Pour the entire hot messy stovetop concoction over the dry mixture you combined all the way back at step one, coat well, and voila! You’re still not done. Press the well-coated, crunchy mixture into a 13 x 9 inch greased pan. The greased part is not to be overlooked. No one wants to be scrubbing any pans later that day, especially not you. Refrigerate one to two hours until firm, cut into bars, and serve with a grin.
The work is over, the fun is to come. Pat yourself on the back or have someone else do it for you since that’s kind of an awkward motion. Relax with a beer but save some for your guests and don’t forget to cheer loudly. G-o-o-o football!