Opinion: Dinosaurs and Dirty Dancing - Child Week
ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS Zachary Ehren

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

No matter the time period, adults always assume that children are in constant danger of being hurt or being turned into wild, uneducated sociopaths. Even though all the kiddies running around are safer now than their parents were as youngsters, the decision makers of the world always seem to believe that the next generation of children is more fragile than the previous. In that mindset, our grandchildren’s grandchildren will be helpless little mongrels with shorter lifespans than mayflys.

In order to stop this madness, certain safety measures must be in place to keep the children safe. So, educational administrators across the country have taken it upon themselves to ban “dangerous” activities in order to ensure the nation’s pride and joy continue to live peaceful lives and dream of becoming the next rich, spoiled Mitt Romney. The following are a few measures schools have placed in order to make this happen.

NYC Schools No Longer Use Certain “Controversial” Words in Public Tests

Yes, every student hates taking publicly-mandated tests because of the wording that is comprised in the questions. It’s not because they would rather be outside enjoying the fresh air as they do summer long. For this reason, the great city of New York has saved all the kids from having to endure the agony of seeing words they might not agree with by banning certain words to appear in the questions. Motivation behind this decision was quoted from NYC’s Department of Education as fear of “being biased” or “evoke unpleasant emotions.” It’s the tests, not the dickhead bully knocking the books out of their hands that evoke the unpleasant emotions.

Which words are being banned you ask? It would easily be assumed that they would be in the realm of George Carlin’s Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television, but think again. They are far worse and a few are listed below.

First up, any mention of dinosaurs is strictly forbidden. No one should make the Christian fundamentalists uncomfortable! Talking about dinosaurs means you agree with evolution. Agreeing with evolution means you aren’t a person of God. Not being a person of God means you vote for Obama. This only leads us down one path. A mentioning of the word “stegosaurus” in a science question will result in 1,000 years of darkness.

And since Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays or holidays, New York City believes no test should remind them of this fact. Leave it to real-life to rub in their faces that not only do they not get to celebrate birthdays, they don’t celebrate much of any other major holidays either.

Halloween in particular can not be mentioned because not only do Jehovah’s Witnesses not celebrate it, but it also may force the children to think about – GASP – Paganism! Or, that dirty, blasphemous, ancient religion keeps popping up in everybody’s faces. Well, at least children of the Big Apple won’t have to think about that religion during their test. They can continue to answer questions about the heavily Pagan-influenced Christmas and Easter like the good little angels they are.

Various High Schools Cancel Dances

The long-standing tradition of getting the student body together in a sweaty smelling gym, dimming the lights, and seeing who’s brave enough to approach the cute girl in homeroom is now being put to a halt by different high schools throughout the country. One in Arlington, Massachusetts says the reasons are twofold: alcohol and dirty dancing (sans Patrick Swayze).

Sure, alcohol shouldn’t be allowed into the dances. Nobody wants to see a drunk football player taking a piss on the dance floor. But, Americans can attest that high school introduces us to many things (e.g. zits, masturbation, armpit hair, driving, masturbation, parties, rated R movies, social awkwardness, masturbation). Alcohol is just one of the many things on that list. As long as there are gatherings of high schoolers with their peers, they are going to find a way to get drunk to make things more interesting.

“Dirty” dancing, on the other hand, is a timeless excuse for tight-ass education administrators to force their pent-up sexual frustrations on students. People should bet top dollar that the principal at Yorktown High School – another educational facility that banned inappropriate dancing (aka grinding) – hasn’t gotten a blowjob since the Reagan administration. More and more high schools are jumping on this bandwagon while failing to realize that there has always been a dance that the older folks deemed inappropriate. Before grinding was disco, before disco was the gyrations of Elvis, before Elvis was the Lindy Hop. It’s about time to cease the banishment of dancing. Kevin Bacon is too old to save the day.

Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School Bans Hugging

No longer shall students be able to show each other a universal sign of affection! No longer shall we sit idly by and watch these little people become nymphomaniacs in front of our eyes! This must be stopped before it’s too late and the principal of a middle school in New Jersey has taken a strike against the degradation of our youth by banning hugging within the confines of school grounds. Therefore, if a young chap found out his grandmother died, his fellow student can comfort him with a nice punch to the shoulder. It’s quick, clean, and a suitable physical interaction in times of compassion.

Why should the principal stop there? Saying “hello” to one another should also be banned. This friendly greeting is an obvious invite for a 7th grader to compare and contrast his private parts with a female passing by. And while we are at it, close down the bathrooms for good. It’s within these walls that they are forced to take out the private parts in question, which could only mean one thing — they are whittling themselves down to a nub in there. Kids are horny little devils, and all measures must be stopped before every female student is knocked up and too young to take advantage of expectant mother parking.

Everybody is constantly worried about the children. Debates over whether song lyrics, movie themes, literary plots, etc. will destroy the new generation or make them uncomfortable are constantly floating in the air. Some believe that shielding them from these threats is the only answer.

However, people seem to forget that kids are resilient. If a word on a test goes against their beliefs, they will still circle the answer that they believe is correct. If a dance is denounced as inappropriate, they will find a way to do it behind closed doors. While doing all of this, they are receiving their moral values from their parents.

Perhaps school administrators and parents alike should stop pointing fingers at the micro reasons to be concerned about the actions and surroundings of the youngins and pay more attention to the overall upbringing they receive. After all, the people calling the shots are the same people that were once told “Catcher in the Rye” was vulgar.

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