Absurd iPhone Apps - Absurdity Week

Photo courtesy of Sourmash.

Written by: Margaret Jacobi

Since the iPhone was unleashed on the market in 2007, dozens of ridiculous applications that touch upon just about every kitsch inclination have dominated the iTunes store. The novelty of a phone allowing you a variety of new abilities, however arbitrary, is undeniably delightful. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealously towards my iPhone yielding friends as they fought with their virtual light sabers or drank their simulated beers, all thanks to the clever app developers banking on simple and senseless pleasures. Five years later, some have come and gone, but now over 500,000 practical, silly, disgusting, and disturbing apps still compete for new users. Here is a list of some of the most absurd to date.

iFart by InfoMedia, Inc.

Can’t help but laugh when you hear a curious butt whistle ring across an empty room? That’s okay, don’t suppress your crude tendencies, iFart’s high ratings prove you are not alone. Equipped with 30 different fart sounds, the ability to time farts, record farts, and share farts via email or your social networking site of choice, iFart truly caters to any sort of fart enthusiast. Available in nine  different languages with two separate add-on packs for purchase, iFart has truly radicalized the whoopee cushion prank.

Passion by Chris Alvares

Ever wonder how good in bed you are? Yep, there’s an app for that too. Passion utilizes most of the iPhone’s features, including the microphone and accelerometer to measure how successful you are as a lover.  After being given a rating between 0 through 10, you have the option to compare your stats to others. It’s as simple as turning on the application, putting it next to the bed or on your person, and doing the nasty. When you stop the app you can view your results. Not sure how this works scientifically, or if Chris Alvares should be the objective authority on sexual performance, but man, don’t you want a high score?

iAmAMan by IPS Pirates

As a woman, I’m somewhat offended by an app that allows you to track not only the menstrual cycle of one woman, but several. The app is a clever tool for the scummiest of players; even if your girlfriend does come upon the app and forces you to type the password, only she will appear on the list because one of its functions is creating personal passwords for each girl. For the eternal optimist or geeky womanizer: ““I am a Man” will help you with your private life planning. You will know about your girlfriend’s period and her mood. You can plan your dates, your evening, and save some money.”

Poo Log by AvatarLabs

For those perhaps too attuned to their digestive systems, Poo Log (Now on sale for $0.99!) allows you to track your inner workings and graph your poo. Medical information interwoven with bathroom humor aids the discerning user in discovering what exactly certain types of “dookie” mean. The app features an actual poo log, a poo timer, poo pastimes trivia, and graphs of your poo. Su-Poo-rb.

TightWire by iBright Studios

This app taps into the inner masochist in people that results in high television ratings for shows like The Biggest Loser. The 5 million + people in 75 countries that have downloaded this app attest to the fact that sometimes people think it’s funny to watch fat people suffer. Thankfully, in this game, you are the computer animated fat person attempting to cross a tightrope wire, so no one is actually suffering. Maybe the game developers had more sensitive intentions. Or maybe the extra pounds on the character are just there to make the game more difficult? Who knows.

My Virtual Girlfriend by WET Productions Inc.

On the other end of the spectrum from the “iAmAMan” users are those with virtual girlfriends. Even further evidence that, who really needs real social interactions when you have an iPhone or the Internet? The app has over 100 girls to choose from with an option to customize as well.  You can take her to a movie, a mini golf course, and engage in conversation with her, among many other date possibilities. She even responds to your touch and grows to like you more and more with time. But if you aren’t sensitive, in the ultimate form of rejection, your virtual girlfriend will leave you. At least there are 99 others to choose from.

Zips by Jake Landon

What Gizmodo called “yet another useless application for iPhone that we like anyway,” Zips appeals to the inner child in us all. The premise is simple: drag the zipper up and down and enjoy the primal satisfaction of unzipping pants that aren’t yours. You can even decide which undergarment lies behind the zipper. It’s free if other features on your iPhone really can’t suppress your boredom or curiosity.

Nude It by Presselite

Any performer is familiar with the time honored cliché “just imagine the audience in their underwear.” Briefly , on a much creepier and smaller scale, the now defunct Nude It app  made this possible. Artfully dodging Apple’s “no nudity” clause, Nude It would determine if a human body was in the frame and sub it out for a body clad in only underwear. I guess it didn’t really work though and was eventually pulled from the market, leaving users stuck with their own imaginations (how passé).

Jiggle by Froggy Studios

The title of this app is pretty self-explanatory. An app that, well, makes things jiggle. Those people who just couldn’t stop playing with their Jell-O as kids now have the ability to make any part of an image wobble like the gelatinous dessert, whether it be cartoons, landscapes, bodies, or maybe, ahem, more specific body parts….

Pimple Popper by Room Candy Games

Honestly, this one I just don’t get.  Pimple Popper is an app that turns the universal chore that burdens teenagers into a game. There are eight faces to choose from and three different types of pimples to conquer with appropriate accompanying sound effects. Broken down into two separate game functions, first you locate the pimples; then you pop them. The game has been an incredible success, with 2,000 positive ratings in the iTunes store; yet another testament that almost any activity, no matter how disgusting or menial, can be turned into a virtual game.