Make Patriotism Sexy Again With Independence Day Intimate Apparel

There’s nothing Americans fetishize more than guns and the star spangled banner. So let’s get real with it.

This Fourth of July, when you’re not downing red, white and blue jello shots or blasting “Born In The U.S.A.” at an NRA rally because you don’t understand the lyrics, spend some quality time with our flag. Get up close and personal with our nation’s symbol in these patriotic underwear and bathing suits.

These avian boxer briefs

Courtesy of Shinesty

Haay sexy. Not you, man. I’m talking to Mr. Talons and Feathers down there.

This “bathing suit”

Courtesy of Wheretogetit

For when you can’t decide if you’re going to a July 4th beach day or a WWE fight.

Try, try, try again

Courtesy of PM Treasure Chest

If you’re concerned one flag just isn’t patriotic enough, cram as many as you can onto your bits. Uncle Sam appreciates the effort. Bonus points for looking like you’re filming porn in your grandmother’s kitchen.

Be this guy

Courtesy of Mens Underwear USA

Respect for the ego it takes to label one’s package a hero and kiss one’s own biceps on camera. Very Trumpian, very America. Also, the brand is clearly too manly for grammar.

For when nationalism gets too hot

Courtesy of Yandy

When it’s time to light some red, white and blue candles and set the mood with some sultry Toby Keith, this one-piece lingerie has colors that’ll make anyone run … into the bedroom.

Put a bow on it

Courtesy of Etsy seller Party Kitty

Maybe they can’t debate health care reform or foreign policy but your buttcheeks will def shout AMERICA RULEZ at your holiday pool party.

This. Just. This.

Courtesy of Etsy seller karsona11

Zero points for functionality as underwear. 10 points for crocheting a star spangled banana hammock.

This looks cute…

Courtesy of Union Jack Wear

That is the Union Jack, not the American flag. GTFO traitor.

But whatever you do, just don’t wear this one

Courtesy of Beloved