Summer’s perfect for hot, sticky passion. But for the love of God, don’t attempt sex on a beach.
Have you ever heard a single soul say they enjoyed a romp in the sand? If so, they’re lying through their sand-addled teeth. Beach sex is a recipe for disaster. Here’s why.
You get sand everywhere.
In every orifice. In every crack. Even the ones you never knew you had.
You never get a stable grip.
Sand is not a solid surface. You can’t focus on licking bits when the bits keep running away from you. It’s like trying to negotiate intimacy while running through an obstacle course on American Ninja Warrior.
The only reason to risk landing on the Sex Offender Registry is to be like this heroic couple and get carnal near our sexiest president.
You look like a tool.
Both of you. This goes not just for beach sex, public or private, but also for any and all beach romance. While you’re reenacting the bird scene from The Notebook, everyone else is throwing up.