Sexy Holiday Gifts

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The holidays are the time of year when you really show your loved ones how much you care. I’m not going to tell you how to select that one little piece of frilly nothing that will entice your nightly callers into throes of passion. Frills are for plebs. We’re going straight to the good stuff. I’m gonna get you laid for a year. I’m a sex columnist, this is a sex and dating column, so here are some….

Gift ideas! Fun, sexy, whimsical gift ideas for most any budget. Several involve genitalia. All guarantee multiple orgasms.

A massage candle. Because nothing says “let’s fuck” like a candle that you can pour onto bare skin. It’s called “Dark and Sexy” so you know you’re on the right track.

Etch A Sketch and Wax. Buy an Etch A Sketch for you partner or that hottie from Office Depot and promise to wax your pubic hair into whatever they sketch. They have to chip in for the cost of the wax, though, because you’re not that selfless and that shit ain’t cheap.

Monogrammed cum towels. No more using ratty old tee-shirts for you, Mabel. We’re high class from here on out. Go to Bed Bath & Beyond to get your S.O. a nice set of personalized hand towels, ready to be used for soaking up the buckets of cum that will occur after the emotional uplift resulting from such a thoughtful gift.

A decorated framed for your STD results. Demonstrate to your new F.W.B. that you’re down to clown but also responsible about sexual health. Go get tested, clear up any lurking chlamydia, then print out your results and present them in a frame that you’ve decorated with nude selfies.

Chocolate genitalia. Get this here DIY kit to reproduce your penis or vulva and feed to your side piece after a rousing session of naked pin the tail on the donkey. Granted, this gift does reproduce the gender binary and you have to have bits that roughly conform to what the manufacturers think you should have. That’s totally uncool. But heck, get the kit anyway and instead of getting it for your lusty lover, send your beautifully unique, mold-breaking chocolate bits to your nearest anti-choice republican representative. It’s probably somehow their fault anyway.

Notarized sex coupons. These are not the silly ones Basic Becky gives her hunk of man flesh. No, these you’ve had signed and sealed and there’s no turning back. If you renege on your promise for one steamy session of Finding Dory role play, you have to wear the cone of shame around the house for the month. Heck make it a year, because that’s what love is.