By Dan Knighton
Photo courtesy of we are dc.
In lieu of the coming awards season, it’s important to also recognize some of the worst achievements in cinema this year. In doing so, I uncovered a surprisingly large barrel of incredibly rotten cinematic bile. These films were selected based on their proximity to the bottom of 2012 critic scores compiled on Metacritic, their one-star status on AllRovi, and their availability on Netflix. Here’s a live log of my thoughts after strapping myself to this torture seat.
Beneath the Darkness
0:00 About to watch these terrible movies with Taiwanese filmmaker Lee Jonung.
3:00 Beginning of film is Kill Bill 2 trapped in coffin scenario, but with the Silent Night, Deadly Night “garbage day” killer.
6:00 A high school lit class scene lets us know this film is a “Macbeth” remake.
20:00 “I watched my sister get killed by ghosts.” “I’m sure you couldn’t have changed anything if you had tried.”
35:00 I’m glad I’m no longer an American teenager whose life is so shitty that it’s this easy to make shitty movies about what I do.
36:00 These kids sure can act, that is, when they’re rehearsing “Macbeth” with British accents.
38:00 Lee understands the plot better than me and he barely speaks English.
42:00 Shitty movies 101: Can’t make good lighting? Try complete darkness.
44:00 World’s first villain to always have an e-cigarette in his mouth.
45:00 “Man, that guy creeps me out.” Is it because he just stomped your friend’s head?
47:00 It’s like a “Goosebumps” episode without enough commercial breaks to keep it entertaining.
50:00 Never in history has an abrupt ending ever been so close. Bad guy convinces cop that the tarp covering the victim is for a tomato patch.
60:00 Entire film is one big plot hole with plaster obviously coated over it.
75:00 Imagine if at the end of “Sonic 2,” Dr. Robotnik reveals he’s evil because his wife cheated on him. Tails distracts him by acting as his long dead wife, while Sonic hits him in the leg with a shovel.
82:00 One movie down and I need a real long cigarette break.
0:00 Lee has given up and fallen asleep. Just me and another shitty teen movie.
3:00 Three minutes in. Chinese, Persians, gay people, black people, fat people, Mexicans, and women have all already been insulted.
21:00 When a horror movie sucks it’s funny, when a comedy movie sucks, it’s horrifying with its irreverence to everything that is not white people.
34:00 The kid’s mom is registered in his phone as Robert Downey Jr. That was the joke.
41:00 Mom is depressed and in the tub. “How long has this been going on?” “Since the election.”
49:00 The film is titled General Education, but the high school course he’s taking is Earth Science. The gay Persian is actually Jewish. This shit is ugly; it really has an audience?
62:00 To suggest that the crippled, injured, and mentally ill are subhuman and make best friends would have been funny if it could be.
78:00 Rich CEO dad saves the day. Fuck this movie.
84:00 Film ends symbolically with a Mexican piñata exploding.
0:30 White Knight films, obviously this is going to be a KKK movie. Remember when bad movies were bad because they were lazy and talent-less? Now they just make you want to escape the country.
8:00 Our white knight hero just told us a story about how he kicked a Mexican out of a 65 mph car fighting for a cause.
19:00 Mexican guy from Nacho Libre enters. I hope there’s a punch line coming at the end of this hate speech work. Unlikely.
36:00 Now it has somehow morphed into a mix of American History X and Romeo and Juliet.
41:00 It’s turning cute. Waiting for this slithery snake to bite.
62:00 I was being too optimistic; Mexicans are just funny people and sometimes they can bring out the best in a white man if they are helpful enough. Plus, you know, their food is tasty and their women are exotic.
68:00 This movie is punishment.
73:00 So he “realized” treatment of Mexicans in the US is unjust, changed his views, and wrote to Congress; all so he could bang the Mexican maid after he was set free from prison. And that, folks, is the KKK’s attempt at good publicity.
3:00 Just cringed at several shots of mosques. Is this going to be another movie with an opinion?
7:00 This assassin fills the screen like an awkward stunt double.
15:00 Yup. Just as I feared. Hypnotized woman admits to psychiatrist that every Arab man is the same man in her dream. I guess at least she can’t remember saying it when she wakes up.
19:00 Of all the places to shoot in Sofia, they choose the square where tourists can get exaggerated caricatures of themselves.
24:00 “We know this movie by heart, Mitch. Why do we have to watch it?” I love it when filmmakers’ discontent with the film is included in the script dialogue.
32:00 Assassin just sniped Muslim terrorist on a prayer rug, then his dog.
34:00 Xenophobic films 101: Shit-talk Muslims all you want, just show cultural appreciation for the Middle East with sexy belly dancing scenes.
48:00 Christian Slater: handsome, distinguished American, clever detective, good taste in women; all he’s done this entire movie is get compliments.
57:00 In a flashback the assassin’s parents got “Allah Akbar”-ed. That’s her motive.
61:00 Points for slow-mo of fleeing belly dancer pushing tourist over stair rail.
75:00 The assassin just massacred a bunch of terrorist types in front of their child. It turns out she was the good guy, and Slater as detective wasn’t needed for anything except to slip the investigation under the rug. That’s seriously the “twist.”
A Little Bit of Heaven
0:00 Worst movie available is loading; I’m going to make a guess based on the direction of the previous films that there is no subtext in the title. This will probably end up being some kind of Christian movie.
2:00 If you can’t find true love, it may be because of the life-size unicorns painted in your room.
27:00 All this lady cares about is penis size.
36:00 Watching this movie is less fun than watching a clock tick. No joke, I think Whoopi Goldberg appeared as God at some point.
49:00 I didn’t know girls dream of doctors from General Hospital.
60:00 So it turns out the subtext of the title A Little Bit of Heaven is “A Little Bit of What It’s Like to Bang Gael Garcia Bernal If You’re Normal.” How does one do that? Cancer.
75:00 Without the shock factor of the racist movies, I could barely keep my eyes pried open. I started doing the dishes with it in the background and then I realized that now I’m the target audience.
77:00 Whoa, sweet bike crash.
99:00 This girl is so smug. She talked to God, had an amazing hook up, worked out her family problems, and then died feeling complete with herself like an old sage. She was then reincarnated into a loving family for all her hard work. They threw a big expensive party in her name after she died.