You wake to a morning zoo DJ’s parody of “Jingle Bells.” Mariah Carey’s “Silent Night” is in the background at Chipotle. “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” pipes over the sound system at Target. Jingles based on “The Twelve Days of Christmas” blast over the TV.
There’s a finite number of Christmas songs, so you hear the same ones over and over and over. They’re songs you probably never liked as a kid and are likely physically sick of as an adult.
And many Christmas songs are brutally dull. “Silent Night” drones on forever with the same, slow melody. There’s nothing to latch onto musically—no beat, no inherently complex harmony or key changes or anything.
Other Christmas songs are too upbeat, too bright, too brassy. “Jingle Bells” is a two-minute hangover and “Here Comes Santa Claus” is a migraine.
They’re created in haste and recorded during the summer and without the attention to detail musicians put into “real music.”
The songs soundtrack a miserable time of year when days are cold and dark, everybody’s busy at work and you have to rush out to crowded stores to buy stupid presents.
But the parts of Christmas that don’t suck are amazing. Santa hats are awesome. Christmas lights rule. People drink more during the holidays. Christmas parties are the best time most people ever have at work. And there’s sledding, snowball fights, skiing, hot chocolate and watching movies under blankets with someone you love and/or want to have sex with.
As a quick example of how awesome Christmas can be when you have an open mind, check out the Andrew W.K. harmonizing on “Silent Night” with a random mailman at the AV Club offices. It’s stupid until it’s beautiful.
Now put on your Santa hat and do a shot of eggnog and get into the spirit of the goddamn season, jerk.