There’s a new outrageous bathing suit trend and I hope it doesn’t catch on: bathing suits with faces on them.
An online printing press called Bags of Love is the latest swimwear maker to stick a famous face on a one-piece bathing suit. In honor of Prince Harry’s wedding to Meghan Markle (now the Duke and Duchess of Sussex), Bags of Love stretched the happy couples’ faces over matching one-pieces.
The model is probably thinking “anywhere but here.”
I don’t like funny clothes. I get it. We all want some levity in our lives. On the other hand, humans crawled out of the caves and put clothes on and I fully believe it was not so that we could protect ourselves from the elements but so we could one day hook up on Tinder. Bathing suits are universally traumatizing to shop for. Every piece seems designed to de-flatter your figure. Must we make the experience all the more alarming by creating a suit that makes one look like a Russian nesting doll?
The onesie of Harry caught some extra attention for the interesting placement of his facial hair.
In a punny response to HuffPost’s inquiry as to the salacious location of Harry’s beard, Bags of Love said “based here, in London, we fully support [the] royal heir.”
HAR HAR HAR. I’ll tell you what: I don’t need your cheeky answers. I need real answers. Who had this idea, why did they share it, who funded it and did they truly mean to turn Harry’s beard into a merkin?
Bags of Love doesn’t just produce suits of Meghan and Harry, but of the whole royal family. You can get William’s nerdy face slapped on your torso or Catherine’s and the Queen’s. Interestingly, the queen is the only royal who appears on the suit in full regal attire. Because otherwise, sticking her chin on some strange woman’s genitalia would be downright inappropriate.
Last year, a site called Beloved Shirts made the news for their own celebrity bathing suit. This one had, not the smiling faces of the rich royals, but the face of an angry orange blowfish. Who isn’t even that rich but that is beside the point.
This disgusting creation is truly a testament to the demise of modern democracy. And is probably an accurate depiction of Trump’s brand of cunnilingus: just sticking his flappy, evil chins on your lady bits and yelling.
Get. Out. Sir.
Beloved Shirts, the monsters responsible for the Trump-kini, also created a hairy chest bathing suit.
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Now, I know that feminism says women can have hair on whatever part of their body suits them, but I don’t think this is what we had in mind. In fact, I’m calling a meeting of the sisterhood. I want this outlawed.