What Are These Women Doing in These Stock Photos?

Need an image of a naked woman hiding her vulva behind a pineapple? Stock photos have you covered (so to speak).

As a gender and sexuality writer, I spend a lot of time scouring the internet for license-free stock photos of women and other images for my stories. That search has led me to bizarre images of women doing weird things with everyday objects.

I’m not straddling a high horse here. This isn’t an angry think piece on the sexism and racism of stock photos. Sure, it’s probably a little sexist there aren’t similar images of men. But while the question of why these online photo banks insist on immortalizing women doing dumb shit is a great question, it’s a great question for a different story.

For now, I’m just asking “why, though?” Why are so many of these women mounting things they shouldn’t be mounting? Where are these hordes of confused women in the real world? Do they know how to safely handle sharp objects or do we need to pull out the safety scissors? These are urgent questions, please email if you have theories.

These are stock photo sites, so in theory photographers should have created images for writers to use with their stories. To that end, it’s hard to imagine a use for many of these images.

This Convenient Pineapple

Via Unsplash

I get that our society’s weird puritanical rules make publications squeamish about showing ladyparts. What I don’t get is the pineapple.  There’s a rumor that pineapple makes your vagina taste better, but you have to eat the pineapple, not just hold it near your nethers.

This Naked Carousel Girl

Via Unsplash

So I’m not trying to start a moral panic here but aren’t merry-go-rounds traditionally for kids? Like at carnivals or birthday parties for the rich kid everyone hates? I just have to wonder what the parents will say when they roll up to the ride only to find Lady Godiva of the fairgrounds grinding her bits on that poor equine.

This Woman’s Love for Lactose

Via Pixabay

Got milk? Well, this lady sure does. And she’s never, ever letting go.

Via Pixabay

Maybe the model kept dropping this gargantuan drinking vessel and so they told her to hug it real tight.

Via Pixabay

She’s still at it??? Girl, you’re not getting strong bones like that!

Via Pixabay

Well I’m glad it was clearly so good for her.

This Woman Doing Her Wash Cycle

Via Unsplash

Maybe she’s just pretending that she can’t comprehend modern appliances like washers so she doesn’t fall into the patriarchy’s trap and end up washing all her man’s socks. Maybe that’s it.

This Woman With an X-Acto Knife

Via Pixabay

Women can totally use tools. That said, this looks like the “get your hands dirty” segment of a beauty pageant, if such a thing existed.

This Woman Building a House With Her Lips

Via Pexels

In what Dr. Seussian dimension can you build a house or fix your plumbing using a wrench at this angle? Does the photographer think women’s physical strength comes solely from our ability to paint a perfect red lip?

This Hungry Girl

Via Unsplash

Sorry girl. Your goth rage isn’t going to fill your stomach or that empty plate.

This is Just Not Correct

Via StockSnap.io

GIRL, YOU CAN’T SEE. That is all.

This Ain’t Right, But…

Via StockSnap.io

Pretty sure you’re not supposed to scale cliffs in that outfit but this time, I’ll allow the incorrect use. You’re a champion, sister-friend.