Walmart's Cocaine Santa Sweater is Perfect

Dumb holiday sweaters are an annual tradition. Wearing one feels like an excuse for Yuletide debauchery. They’re the official uniform of holiday office parties and December bar crawls. Some are tacky, most are dumb and some are even offensive.

And then there are Walmart’s.

The sweater depicts a clearly coked-up Santa Claus sitting in front of three perfectly cut rails of “snow.” Following a backlash, Walmart pulled the shirt from its website and apologized for offering it in the first place.

But the damage had already been done: degenerates across the internet were clamoring for it.

The cocaine Santa sweater checks all the right boxes. It’s offensive, if only to parents still lying to their kids about Santa. The artwork genuinely sucks. And the joke it makes is so bad it’s funny. You’d expect to see this in a Hot Topic or a Spencer’s. Seeing the uptight chain store Walmart selling it makes it all the more satisfying. Just look at this hilarious product description on the company’s website.

The description makes some interesting references, and alludes to another point—how else does Santa get through 24 hours of delivering packages across the globe? That’s exhausting work, even for a legendary magical figure. Substances, snowy or otherwise, must surely be involved.

But instead of apologizing for the sweater, Walmart should lean in and embrace provocative holiday merch. Santa clearly doesn’t operate above board, anyway. The guy works one day a year, exploits magical slave labor to build his toys and abuses animals to deliver them. Those are all fun topics for future degenerate holiday sweaters. The possibilities are as endless as Santa’s pure driven snow.