Whatever you’re doing right now is not nearly as important as the news I am about to impart: Walmart is selling a marijuana Christmas Tree.
This isn’t my stoner brain seeing seven leaf plants everywhere. I’m not making some innuendo to mock Walmart and its wholesome values. The once uber Christian retail giant is selling a tree headlined “Weed Marijuana Leaf Christmas Tree.” True, it’s not an actual weed—it’s a tree with fake marijuana leaves— but I will completely accept Walmart selling an exclusive Christmas tree created for the sole purpose of celebrating the birth of baby Jesus with pot.
Here’s the description for their “original Weed Christmas Tree”:
“This Pot Leaf Christmas tree will ‘light up’ the room and put your mind in the right head-space for holiday cheer. You’ll be able to relax and giggle at the marijuana leaves and decorate it as you please. This alternative Christmas tree is perfect for personal top shelf life at home or as a medical dispensary decoration. Green Wishes and Happy Holidhaze!”
Look at their content team, dropping some dank puns. How many 22-year-olds did they consult before settling on “Holidhaze?” And it’s not even a small bush. It is seven feet of faux cannabinoid glory that you can purchase for a mere $250. That’s two. Hundred. And. Fifty. Dollars. Think of all the actual drugs you could buy.
Earlier this Fall, I reported that Walmart sells sex toys after acquiring Jet.com. Yet somehow this is better. Maybe it’s the fact that their drug tree is over $100 more than their sex swing.
With weed bars and coffee shops, weekend bud-tasting trips and dispensaries opening on every corner in legal states, recreational weed has become more and more acceptable in the past five years. And yet, this is one hundred percent the most significant moment on the pot trail to legalization.
Obviously, they’re pandering to a blossoming market. And yes, the Walmart PAC still funds conservative policies and politicians likely out to eliminate legal weed. But whatever. Times are hard and scary. Walmart was founded in Arkansas by a conservative Christian man named Sam Walton, who, given the choice, probably would have happily voted for Roy Moore. Now, a pro-abortion Alabama Democrat stands in Moore’s place and Sam Walton’s entrepreneurial baby is catering to the whims of stoned millennials.
Take a minute and inhale that sweet, musky smell of victory. Oh, that might be the tree.