Wait. Are Boobs In or Out?

Boobs are back. No, wait, they’re not. Or are they?

Competing journalistic investigations are getting to the bottom of the question “who even likes boobs anymore.”

This question speaks to me. As someone with above average chestage, I need to know where I stand. I’ve got a myriad of crop tops and some are boobilicious, some aren’t. Someone, please, tell me what to do!

The Sun fashion editor Joely Chilcott is on it. Earlier this month, she declared “Boobs are back in a big way.” Offering as evidence Rihanna’s gravity-defying cleavage at the premiere of “Valerian And The City of a Thousand Planets,” Chilcott announced boobs are back atop the fashion hierarchy.

But perhaps that safety was an illusion. Two weeks later, Playboy’s Bobby Box challenged the notion that boobs were back, asking “Why Aren’t Young Men Into Breasts?” Good question Bobby; I await your nuanced perspective on the female form.

Box cited Pornhub’s latest analytic insights, this time on the popularity of breast-related searches. Overall, breast searches are low, with only 1.5 percent of the porn site’s searches relating to breasts. But when those searches happen, they happen in a big way. Turns out people are most interested in “big tits,” followed by “big boobs,” “huge tits,” “big natural tits” and the ever so refined “boobs.”

My own home state of Oregon likes big, natural boobs. Hey Oregon, how you doin’?

I respect Pornhub’s and Box’s efforts. And obviously, this is a question that keeps many of us awake at night. But the methodology is flawed. Simply because people are not searching for “big boobs” on Pornhub doesn’t mean they’re not into big boobs, or boobs in general, just that they have grown past the age of 12 and have refined their sexual appetites.

Still, this is a defining moment for us and future generations. Where can you say you stood when you heard the news? How will this affect how you raise your children or how you talk to your coworkers? That stacked cashier at the grocery store?

Anyway, I checked with my boyfriend and he says my boobs are “so in.”