Trump vs. Biden Tale of the Tape

Donald Trump and Joe Biden need to fight.

After Biden was quoted saying he’d “beat Trump’s ass,” the president fired back on Twitter that the former VP would go down “fast and hard.” But who would actually win the imaginary presidential boxing match of our dreams? Let’s check the stats.

Donald Trump
Real Estate Developer, Reality Show Host, President
Age: 71
Weight: 239**
Athletic Experience: Avid golfer
General Physical Fitness: Ask Michael Wolff
Marriages: 3
Sexual Assault Allegations: 16**

Joe Biden
Senator, Vice President, Political Commentator & Power Broker
Age: 75
Weight: 215*
Athletic Experience: High school football, baseball
General Physical Fitness: Seems okay for 75
Marriages: 2
Sexual Assault Allegations: No formal allegations, but…

**-probably way higher

Fight Breakdown

Biden is giving up plenty of size—three inches in height and anywhere from 25 to 125 pounds—and a few years to Trump. But we know that speed can beat bulk, and if Trump’s golf course crawl is any indication, Biden should run circles around him. Look for the former VP to bring up gun control and a woman’s right to choose while dancing Trump around the ring in the early rounds.

The president’s hand size could pose a problem when landing punches, but Trump has several tough chins and should be hard to knock down. But while he’s sturdy and thicc, he’s not in the best shape. Odds are Trump will channel his inner-Roberto Duran and throw in his gold-embroidered towel early. As long as the judges aren’t swayed by Trump’s post-fight tweets that the ref treated him “very unfairly!” this is Biden’s fight to lose.

Honestly, if this fight ended in anything but cardiac arrest it would be a surprise. It’s more likely to end in deferment than an actual judge’s decision.