The first presidential debate is already somehow upon us. In many ways, we’ve been building to this for years—Donald Trump’s demand that Ukraine dig up dirt on Joe Biden led to the president’s impeachment. Biden, meanwhile, has taken open shots at Trump since his election in 2016. It’s the senile summit we’ve all been waiting for. Both of these guys are old. Their best days, mentally and physically, are behind them. And as the world burns and people die of plague, we get to watch them stutteringly hurl insults at each other for a couple hours.
Presidential debates are always bad, vapid political theater. This one, however, could have some sway—people will likely be tuning in to see if Biden has enough wits to take Trump, or if the president can recreate his magic *gags* from 2016. Even with its potential implications, though, it’s gonna be bad viewing, and you’re likely going to need a little lubrication for the proceedings. Fortunately we’ve come up with a few timeless rules to help you follow and drink along. If this is truly the end of American empire, what an end it shall be.
(Note: BTRtoday does not take responsibility for your inebriated decisions or political affiliations.)
Take a Drink If …
Any of the following words/phrases are used (by either candidate): suckers and losers; job killer/kill jobs; empathy; radical Democrats; Marxists; Antifa; Black Lives Matter; Joe Biden’s/Donald Trump’s America; here’s the deal; folks; police reform; defund police; Build Back Better; Make America Great Again; racism/systemic racism; manufacturing jobs; America’s standing in the world.
Trump says he’s smart for not paying taxes. This is the current defense for Trump only paying $750 in taxes in 2016. To make things even better, he actually said this during a debate in 2016.
Trump references Project Veritas’ batshit ballot harvesting “exposé.” Mere hours after The New York Times dropped the bombshell about Trump’s tax returns, right wing activist group Project Veritas rolled out one of their infamous sting operations, this time about Rep. Ilhan Omar harvesting illegal ballots in Minnesota. Surely the timing was coincidental. Expect Trump to bring this up (or at least glancingly mention it) when discussing voter fraud.
Biden says he wants to represent “all” Americans. This has been a standard Biden campaign line meant to express his desire to unify the country. Seems like a dumb pipe dream, but we’re not judging, we’re drinking.
Trump names any progressive Democrats. The Trump campaign has been running on the guise that Biden is a Trojan horse for the “radical left.” The typical names come into play here—Bernie Sanders, AOC, Ilhan Omar, etc.
Biden stutters or fumbles over a word. Hey, we’re not rooting for it. This is a drinking game. All bases must be covered. In fact, do this if Trump stumbles, too.
Trump offers literally any details about his healthcare plan. Literally, any. Trump’s been dangling a revolutionary healthcare plan for two-plus years and just released the vaguest possible template for it recently, but only because people were calling him on his bullshit.
Trump mispronounces Kamala Harris’ name. He’s done this at rallies for effect and it’s been a big hit with his supporters who’ve never met someone not named Todd in their lives. Odds are the VP candidates won’t come up much during this debate, but if they do, we’ve got you covered.
Chris Wallace asks/tells the candidates to be “civil.” Wallace is a big civility politics guy, so we might get this at the jump.
Trump says Wallace and/or Fox News always treats him unfairly. This is as close as we’d get to a bombshell tonight. Trump would qualify it by saying they treat him better than the other fake news networks, but the president’s disdain for Wallace in particular is pretty well chronicled.
Trump brings up Hunter Biden. This election is nothing if not a failson festival.
Biden incredulously says “C’mon man!” PLAY THE HITS, JOE.
Trump or Biden lie. Haha, gotcha! Just checking to see if you were still paying attention. Don’t do this.
Finish Your Drink If …
Trump accuses Biden of using adderall. This has emerged as a line of attack among Trump surrogates. Surely Trump won’t say Biden has dementia and accuse him of taking stimulants on national television … right?
Biden cedes his time. The former VP did this a couple times in the first few Democratic debates, partially because he was getting his ass kicked by—his current vice presidential nominee. It was kind of signaling his own defeat, at least in that moment. If he does it here, he’s toast.
Trump calls Biden “Sleepy Joe.” This is another dubious “finish your drink” choice because there’s at least like a 30 percent chance it’ll happen, right? It could easily be higher. Trump might be a little more buttoned up than he usually is, but he did threaten to send Hillary Clinton to jail in one of these last time around. This rule also applies for all Democratic Trump nicknames. In fact …
Trump comes up with a new nickname for Biden or Harris. Maybe he’s been saving the big guns for showtime! It won’t be anything particularly creative—something like “Lyin’ Joe” or “Sad Joe” to make fun of Biden’s attempt to empathize with COVID-19 victims. “Cheatin’” and “Collarin’” Kamala are also on the table. Basically anything that doesn’t sound familiar, bottoms up.
Chug The Entire Bottle If …
Trump and Biden decide to cut the shit and actually fight like they wanted to back in 2018. Aw man, remember that? Simpler times. What a joyful moment this would be. Also I’ll take Trump at even odds to win.