Trump Addresses The Nation: A Drinking Game

President Trump speaks to the country tonight about the border crisis. And since that crisis doesn’t exist—it’s a fiction invented by Trump and spread by conservative media—the speech is certain to consist solely of overt propaganda and lies. Trump will rattle on about the need for a wall, throw out some false statistics and try to save face from his embarrassing government shutdown. Network executives briefly debated whether to air it but caved, which everyone knew they would. They even added a Democratic response for an extra ratings boost.

You’re better off not watching. But even political sadists won’t be able to get through it sober. Here’s the drinking game you need to make the night tolerable.

(Note: BTRtoday does not take responsibility for your inebriated decisions or political affiliations.)

Take a Drink if Trump:

Uses the following buzzwords: Danger, Threat, Caravan, Gangs

Uses the following adjectives: Amazing, Tremendous, Incredible, Best, Beautiful, Out of Control, Weak, Terrible

Blames Democrats for anything. Doesn’t matter if it’s the government shutdown, weak borders, Russian collusion or rigged elections. Trump’s gonna play the hits and you’re gonna be hungover. Take two if he calls out Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer by name.

Ad-libs. Trump supporters love his ability to speak off-script. And since Trump doesn’t write (or likely read) any of his own speeches, he loves adding a little flair of his own at the end of sentences. Usually he’ll just repeat the last few words, but occasionally Trump will add a “very bad” or “can’t have it” to let you know the speech is HIS.

Take Two Drinks if Trump:

Uses the following buzzwords: MS-13, Bad Hombres, Fake News, Low Energy

Inappropriately praises the wall. Trump’s already described the proposed border wall as “beautiful” and “artistically designed.” But odds are he’s cooked up some extra catchy new phrases to play up its aesthetics. Sleek and sturdy? Tall and titanic? Robust and racially pure? We know Trump’s a man of many words, the best words—especially when he’s describing something he wants. After all, a wall just stands there asking for it. Don’t be shocked if he moves on it like a bitch.

Mentions Any Cabinet Member(s) by Name. Trump’s a cretin, sure, but he’s hardly the mastermind of his own despotic immigration policy. Stephen Miller and Kirstjen Nielsen are best bets here. Take three if he mentions someone he already fired, like Steve Bannon, John Kelly or James Mattis.

Finish Your Drink if Trump:

Has a Dental Malfunction. Not likely, but we can’t rule it out. Surely his handlers will have extra Fixodent on standby.

Takes Everything Back, Admits The Wall is a Stupid Idea. Make sure to call a friend first, just to make sure you’re not in an Andy Borowitz article. Then begin drinking heavily.

Illegally Declares a National Emergency to Deal With Nonexistent Border Security Problems. We are in the end times. Drink up.