Too Hot To Function

Life is really hard for wealthy, hot, entitled women.

A formerly hot woman, now wizened in her 50s, told The Cut why the struggle is real for a hot woman. Women are jealous of her, men only like her because she’s hot, so she misses out on the soulful inner connection ugly people are so lucky to experience.

Her ex-boyfriend’s family “threatened to cut off his inheritance if he stayed with me, so he left.” Meaning she is wealthy enough to be dating men with inheritances in the first place. “I never interviewed for a job I didn’t get.” That’s good because she doesn’t have her ex’s trust fund to rely on.

“When I do the whole makeup, eyelashes, high heels, gown look I am very intimidating.” How often do you wear a gown? How many balls are you even going to?

“Throughout my life, competitive, attractive, wealthy, entitled women really hated me,” says the woman, who we can reasonably infer is a competitive, attractive, wealthy, entitled woman. Oh, and she’s also remarkably good at reading minds. While she has few real world examples of people saying “you are hot therefore I do not like you,” she’s got plenty of “I imagine their thought process goes something like this …” hypotheticals followed by some poorly crafted hot-phobic remarks that read like the hot mean girls’ lines in bad high school movies.

Image by Alex Iby on Unsplash

Her story reminds me of the other recent titillating tale of a hot woman struggling in an ugly world. This week, the Washington Post ran the story “I am tired of being a Jewish man’s rebellion wherein author Carey Purcell shares her painful personal story of dating a grand total of two Jewish men who both dumped her and later married Jewish women. Why must this gentle gentile suffer all this heartache even after she went to all the trouble of learning when Passover is? Google is hard for hot shiksas.

In this one too, the author, a hot WASP blonde, is surprisingly good at reading minds. She admits “not being Jewish was not the official reason either of these relationships ended. There were other problems — money, careers and plans for the future — problems I wanted to at least try to work through. But when I tried to talk about them, somehow the fact that I wasn’t Jewish came up.” Money, careers and plans for the future are not just any old problems — they’re the relationship problems.

This isn’t the first time similar stories have been published, though generally in less reputable outlets. In 2012, a woman in the The Daily Mail complained that with female bosses, she couldn’t just flirt her way up like she could her with male bosses. And, “most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has asked me to be a bridesmaid.” In 2015, a woman in Cosmo complained that people “disregarded the fact that I’m athletic,” despite her “toned calves.”

These too-hot-to-function women all complain of being catcalled, as though street harassment only happens to the sexiest among us. In reality, catcalling and sexual harassment is about the power trip that comes from making someone feel insanely uncomfortable. Beauty has nothing to do with it.

You know who has real problems? Women who aren’t wealthy and white. And actual ugly women. Women who society has decided fail at the one thing we’re supposed to be good at from birth.