This Year In Sex

2017 was quite the year for American sex. From toe sucking to fidget spinner porn, we’re exploring some weird territory. We also, unfortunately, seem to be having quite a bit of unsafe sex. So, these are the highlights from this year in sex, complete with a little sex ed PSA from yours truly.

Boobs or no boobs?
This summer, we engaged in a healthy debate over the value of women’s breastage. The Sun’s Joely Chilcott reported they are “back in a big way” because Rihanna’s décolletage was all out on the red carpet. Like a bra that actually fits, Chilott’s support for our boobs was appreciated. But then Playboy’s Bobby Box looked at some Pornhub stats and argued that men aren’t “into breasts.” Thanks, Bobby.

Ladies, ignore the naysayers. Your boobs are in and always will be.

We learned y’all are kinky freaks
This year we got an unprecedented amount of data on American sexual proclivities. Dr. Debby Herbenick, a renowned sex educator from the Kinsey Institute and her team collected stats from over 2000 people about kinks and sex stuff from toe sucking to whipping. The first of its kind, the study gave insight into what “normal” sexual behavior is.

The answer is nothing and everything. If you like sucking on toes, go for it. Consensually, of course.

We also learned that more women are into butt stuff that ever.

Summer sex divided America
Sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller reported summertime is sexy time: warm weather is a libido booster. Plus everyone tends to wear less clothes. I asked people what their favorite season for sex is and most actually said fall. Early fall, when it’s still warm but not sweltering. The hot, sweaty coitus of TV is really just sticky and gross. Except one man, David, who told me “my favorite season for having sex is the one where I’m having sex.”

Some interesting porn happened
Rule 34 dictates that if it exists, there is porn of it. If there isn’t, there surely will be soon. So once this year’s fidget spinner craze took off, naturally someone wrote some porn about it. It was not the hottest porn I’ve ever read but it wasn’t the worst.

I also did some investigative journalism into Rick and Morty porn. The porn parody debuted to much excitement from its large and loyal fanbase, but I found it less than enthralling. My boyfriend, an avid Rick and Morty fan, watched it with me. He was, as he put it, “disappointed.” We expected more from Woodrocket, the popular parody porn studio.

However, Justice League: A Gay XXX Parody, proved that parody porn can still be fine cinema. There was good lighting, hot actors and RuPaul’s Drag Race Alum Manila Luzon played Wonder Woman. It was significantly better than the garbage DC served us with the actual Justice League.

Everybody, take some rubbers
This year also taught us that Americans need to get our act together on sex education because STDs are on the rise. As Republicans force more reproductive health clinics like Planned Parenthood to close, poor people lose access to quality sex education and healthcare. Antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea is spreading, as is syphilis, which we had all but eliminated until a few years ago.

To combat the epidemic of STDs in old folk homes specifically, Pornhub and porn star Nina Hartley made a sex ed video aimed at seniors, called Old School. Hartley cheerfully explains STDs and condoms to retirement home residents.

Finally, the CDC reported earlier this year that more young men are using the pull-out method of “contraception.”

*ahem*

THE PULL-OUT METHOD IS NOT A RELIABLE FORM OF CONTRACEPTION.

Put a freaking rubber on it.

recommendations