People will always have sex. We may be on the brink of war with North Korea and facing an avocado shortage but no amount of fascism or millennial brunch fare will stop people from doing the nasty. That means I can keep writing about how exactly we’re all doing it. Thank you and you’re welcome.
In honor of the summer we’ve spent together, here are some of the best sex stories of the season.
Everyone had a lot of sex
Sex is very popular. Or science says so, anyway. According to Playboy’s Dr. Justin Lehmiller, people get it on the most in the hot, nasty heat of summer. The combination of sun, more exercise from all those water sports (not those water sports) and more free time means more porn searches, more dating apps firing and pants dropping.
All this despite my ample warnings against the perils of beach sex. Imagine picking sand from your clitoris. Seriously. Picture it.
Boobs came back in style
Boobs were in! Then they went out again two weeks later. Needless to say the flip-flopping stressed out our office and the country as a whole. We’ll update the situation throughout autumn it unfolds. For now, it’s safe to say boobs are acceptable but the larger busted among us should carry some ace bandage so you can bind those puppies down at a moment’s notice.
Taylor Swift knew where her butt is
The “Blank Space” singer’s knowledge of anatomy was demonstrated when she testified against DJ David Mueller, who was fired after he grabbed her bare butt cheek during a photoshoot in 2013. Mueller’s lawyer asked the pop star why, if the DJ had been groping her, her skirt was unruffled in the photo.
“Because my ass is located in the back of my body,” she responded. Check. Mate.
Mueller was suing her for defamation while Swift was counter-suing for assault. He lost and was ordered to pay her a whopping one dollar in damages per her request, as her suit was a matter of principle. What we really want to know is if he wrote a check or just handed over a moist bill from his back pocket. His butt pocket, as it were. Swift could grab it for him.
Trump continued to be gross and weird
This time, Trump was inappropriate not with his daughter but a crowd of Boy Scouts who he regaled with tales of his cray cray rich life, including “yacht sex.”
He also accidentally said “American sex” instead of “American success.” Or maybe it wasn’t an accident. There’s really no way of knowing with him.
Lest he lose his reputation as Predator-In-Chief, Trump also creeped on a female reporter in the Oval Office. While on the phone with Irish Prime Minister Leo Varadkar, Trump paused and called the reporter forward.
“And where are you from?” he asked her. “Go ahead. Come here, come here.” Spoken like a parent to a child. “We have all this beautiful Irish press.” She introduced herself at his behest then he told Varadkar “she has a nice smile on her face so I bet she treats you well.”
The reporter, Caitriona Perry, posted a video of what she called the “bizarre moment.” Oh Caitriona, be thankful he’s not your president.
Teen Vogue taught your teen how to have anal sex
In July, the magazine published “A Guide to Anal Sex.” The article, complete with illustrations and diagrams, covered safety concerns, hygiene and techniques to enhance pleasure. It covered why it’s important to include anal sex in sex education, particularly for LGBTQ youth. “It’s a perfectly natural way to engage in sexual activity,” wrote the guide’s author Gigi Engle.
Engle even detailed how it feels if you have/don’t have a prostate and ways it can feel good for both camps. “This is anal 101, for teens, beginners, and all inquisitive folk,” read the intro. And boy, were conservatives thrilled.
One outraged parent,“The Activist Mommy,” burned a copy of the magazine in her yard in protest. Little did she know the anal sex guide was only published online, so all she was burning was some make-up tips and a “who wore it best?”
We learned what everyone does between the sheets
In a groundbreaking study led by Kinsey Institute research fellow and sex educator, Dr. Debra Herbenick, several thousand Americans ages 18-94 answered detailed questions about their sex lives. The survey covered kink, sexual orientation, porn and masturbation habits and people’s sexual routines.
At your next brunch, you can officially report that 18 percent of Americans like sucking on feet and 17.2 percent have used anal sex toys. That’ll show Becky to stop one-upping you.
Some Christians still hate gay people
Christian Evangelicals recently released the “Nashville Statement,” condemning all LGBTQ people and allies straight to hell. In it, Christian leaders bemoan the increasingly “post-Christian” America as LGBTQ acceptance settles into mainstream thought and extramarital sex is not met with stonings.
“By and large the spirit of our age no longer discerns or delights in the beauty of God’s design for human life,” says the statement’s preamble. Though I challenge that statement, citing the above sex survey that tells us plenty of people are delighting in the beauty of human life. And the 14 percent of Americans having threesomes are doing it even better.
R. Kelly maybe ran a sex cult
The singer is infamous for peeing on underage girls and now several woman have come forward alleging he runs a “sex cult” of this time legal-aged women. Nevertheless, he’s still famous and successful and that will probably never change.
Vagina glitter was a thing
Some sadist decided women don’t receive enough messages that their genitalia are gross and weird and created “Passion Dust.” It is a capsule filled with sparkly dust and you stick in your vagina so you can glitter bomb your partner during sex. Because … well nobody really knows why on earth you would want to do that.
But doctors begged of women, “please don’t.” At best, you have a mess on your sheets. You will likely get some kind of irritation or infection. All because women’s genitalia is gross unless it resembles something from Lisa Frank.
Men got their own weird penis thing
It’s called Jiftip and it is a sticker you put on your urethra during sex to stop semen from coming out. It’s meant to replace condoms but provides zero protection against STIs or pregnancy. The company even says as much in their FAQs. “Jiftip is for pleasure and freedom only.” As in freedom from condoms. As in, if you’re not using condoms why on earth are you bothering with this weird penis plug?
You also can’t ejaculate during sex with the thing on. So like, really what is the point here? No, really what is it? Call me, Jiftip.
GOT swung right back to where it started: incest
Only this time everyone’s response was not “how yucky” but “daaaamn Jon and Daenerys can get it.” #Wincest