The Wildest Merch Being Sold at CPAC

In case you didn’t know, CPAC starts today. It’s the annual conference during which conservatives come together to network, discuss issues and chart the course for the future of the American conservative movement. And buy a bunch of useless crap.

No convention would be complete without merch, and CPAC is no different. The event has basically been the Donald Trump show for the past few years, so it’s not hard to guess the general theme behind what most of the purveyors are selling. This is the opportunity for potential 2024 presidential hopefuls to make their mark, but make no mistake—Trump is still dominating the conference even in defeat. Speeches will be given, bullshit election fraud claims will be spewed, Joe Biden will be bashed, and Trump merch will be sold. But just in case you can’t make it to Florida during a pandemic to get your hands on the gnarliest CPAC goodies, we’ve listed our favorites so you don’t completely miss out.

Impeachment Champ T-Shirt

This absolute doozy is available via The MAGA Mall and it might be the greatest Trump shirt ever created. There’s enough to focus on with the awkward photo, shoddy graphic imprint, and meme font alone. This is the kind of self-own that makes spending too much time on the internet almost worth it. No matter what you think of Trump, there’s no denying that he is the undisputed Impeachment Champ.


Trump 2024 Bumper Sticker

Okay, we’re having a little fun at the expense of the folks over at Republican Market dot com. Sue us. This almost certainly isn’t for sale at CPAC 2021, but shout out to all the people who copped this early and slapped this on their cooler or computer or car bumper before hastily covering it up with a “God, Guns, Trump” sticker or something.


Don’t Blame Me Button

Also from Republican Market is this button that really gets to the heart of conservative cognitive dissonance. Obviously these things are meant as a joke for fellow Trump supporters, but it’s really funny to imagine a person walking around wearing this and unironically begging people not to blame them for how bad things are.

Ivanka 2024 Button

Okay, we get it, there are a lot of silly buttons and bumper stickers out there. The folks over at Republican Market are into ’em—they even have badly made designs for other 2024 presidential hopefuls. But there’s just something so catchy about the phrase “Keep America Trump,” isn’t there? We love to be ruled by a single family, don’t we folks?


MAGA Hammocks

Let’s get real for a second—all the above merch was a prelude to MAGA Hammocks. You can pick up a lousy Trump button or t-shirt easily. But where else can you find hand crafted luxury hammocks that pay tribute to Donald Trump and his favorite things? Fair warning: these are actually nice.

Fake News Hammock

What a wonderful thing to lie down in, am I right folks? (Sorry.) This is great for when you want to relax but don’t want to forget the evil fake news media and their endless campaign to destroy Donald Trump’s good name. The only disappointing thing here is that they didn’t call it the “bed of lies.” (Okay I’m done, I swear.)

Deplorable Hammock

Same idea as above, but for when you want to warn people that the person taking a blissful catnap under the trees actually sucks.

First Lady Hammock

By our observation there’s no aspect that outwardly distinguishes it as being “First Lady” themed (except for maybe the fact that it’s white). This is just a really nice luxury hammock. Slap this sucker in your backyard and people won’t assume any political affiliation, only your allegiance to decadent outdoor napping.


MAGA Again Hammock Chair

Full hammock not your style? Don’t have two trees standing roughly 7-to-9 feet apart? MAGA Hammocks has plenty of hammock chairs available, too. We picked this one because it’s got the unforgettable tagline “MAGA Again,” which of course means “Make America Great Again Again.” Don’t ask whether it make sense, just sit your ass down in that swing and relax.