The Justice League Porn is Better Than The Real Movie

The big budget superhero flick Justice League is a disaster, from beginning to end. It’s dull, condescending to women and unrelentingly dreary. Instead of serving enough substance to produce genuine emotions, it offers one too many shots of Superman standing in corn. Why with all the corn? We know he’s from Kansas, you don’t have to convince us.

While it isn’t the utter flop that Batman v Superman was, most moviegoers agree that it is not a good movie.

Then there is Justice League: A Gay XXX Parody, a four-part series from gay porn site Men.com[NSFW] (not to be confused with the other Justice League porn parody, Justice League XXX). Not only is there nary a cornfield, it’s a better movie overall.

As studly as Jason Momoa is, Aquaman is a terrible character. He is a poorly developed caricature of hypermasculinity, lacking a compelling emotional arc. There is a scene in which he accidentally sits on Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth, compelling him to reveal all his inner fears and insecurities. When he realizes what he’s done, he does what manly men do in movies when they accidentally express actual human feelings: loud throat clearing followed by a gruff statement like “humph, where them beers at?” Har har.

In the gay porn parody, however, there’s no time for that noise. The parody is all about feelings, and not just the carnal kind.

In part one of the four-part parody, the Flash and Batman have a touching heart-to-heart before pounding it out amongst Batman’s gadgets. Porn Batman is an emotionally available superhero, unlike Ben Affleck’s Batman who is the actual worst. His dull affectation, combined with his tendency to mansplain just about everything, looms over every interaction he has. Even Ezra Miller’s charms as the Flash could not overpower it.

Porn Batman and Porn the Flash have more chemistry than Ben Affleck is capable of producing with anyone. Plus, no line in Justice League could possibly beat Porn Flash’s “I’m in your Bat Cave and you’re in my Man Cave!”

Alas, this being a gay porn parody, Porn Wonder Woman does not get nasty with anyone. Still, Manila Luzon, former runner-up on RuPaul’s Drag Race, is hilarious as the Amazonian warrior; in contrast with Wonder Woman in Justice League, who is a one-dimensional female character seemingly included solely to soothe the mediocre men of the story. Like most female characters are in movies written, directed and produced by men.

People are also applauding Porn Justice League for making the Green Lantern the first out gay superhero. The character didn’t make an appearance in Justice League, though his race had a brief cameo. Hats off to porn for being more woke than Warner Bros.

Porn Justice League was also better cinematically. DC movies are known for being downers. DC Entertainment CEO, Geoff Johns, told the Wall Street Journal last fall that the studio would start making their movies less dark and dreary. Well that certainly did not happen. Justice League was as drab as previous DC movies have ever been. Porn Justice League is lighter, literally. Their lighting is less weirdly black.

Some critics have suggested DC should learn from Marvel’s success over the past decade. Their movies are more dynamic, with moments of levity scattered throughout so the audience isn’t emotionally exhausted by the end. The problem is when DC has attempted that, first with Suicide Squad and now Justice League, it’s more painful than the three-hour drudge fest that was Batman v Superman. The cheesy porn talk is also nowhere near as painful as DC’s attempts to inject humor and self-awareness in Justice League.

It looks like DC should stop trying to emulate its rival and just take its cues from porn.

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