Last year, we ranked Halloween candy. Reactions ranged from joy to confusion and anger.
This year, we’ve reconsidered candy again. We’ve made some corrections, re-rankings, a few important additions and even a shakeup at the top. No more screwing around. Here’s the second edition of BTR’s Definitive Halloween Candy Ranking.
17. Non-Candy Halloween Items
This includes mini pretzels, apples, potato chips, Halloween-themed Peeps and any other non-candy crap. No kid likes getting this stuff. If you hand out anything like this on Halloween, examine your life choices.
Pale chalky discs in annoying twisty packaging that’s impossible to open without spilling. Is any kid signing up for that? Not unless they’re living in the 1930s before flavor was invented.
15. Jolly Ranchers (& other suckers)
Jolly Ranchers are sweet but lame as hell. Sucking on a candy isn’t fun, especially when it feels like a shard of glass. Plus it stains your tongue. Sucker candies are reserved for waiting rooms and grandparents’ coffee tables, not trick-or-treating bags.
14. Twizzlers (& other licorice)
Licorice makes for a great movie theater snack, but it’s a bummer on Halloween. It’s the only candy with a built in Halloween color (black) that also tastes like dirty socks. Still, bonus points to Twizzlers for their versatility as a candy straw.
13. Candy Corn
Perhaps the most divisive Halloween candy known to mankind. It’s been populating candy bowls for generations, and yet no one loves candy corn. You either kind of like it or really, really hate it. Me? I just like that when you stack ‘em together, you get a full candy corn on the cob (I wouldn’t eat it, though).
12. 3 Musketeers
Fluffy chocolate inside with a harder chocolate exterior. It’s fine, just kinda boring. Ranked way too high last year.
11. Milky Way
I gave Milky Way a lot of crap last year because I think it’s overrated. And you know what? I still think that, because it is. It’s just 3 Musketeers with caramel and better branding. And again, the Midnight (dark chocolate) version is better. Freeze for maximum effect.
10. Eyeball Chocolates
This ranking is almost entirely based on seasonal packaging, but don’t sleep on the chocolatey goodness. These little peepers taste like straight Nesquik.
This comes down to whether you like coconut or not. Like Woody Harrelson, taste isn’t the problem for me—it’s the consistency.
8. Pixie Sticks
Candy literally cannot get simpler than paper tubes full of flavored sugar. Who cares if the different flavors are barely distinguishable? Pour that powder down your throat.
7. Tootsie Pops
When I was a kid, Mr. Owl was a jerk. Seriously, dude? Three licks and then you just crunch the whole thing with your beak? Thing is, now I kind of appreciate him. He didn’t have time to waste on that kid’s stupid question. Forget waiting around for the candy to actually melt. Chomp that motherfucker like an adult and move on with your day.
6. Kit Kat
Kit Kats are a candy classic and were egregiously omitted from the list last year. It turns out the only thing that pisses off Kit Kat fans more than leaving them off a Halloween candy ranking is a video of someone biting into Kit Kats wrong. So here’s a video of the second thing.
These candies are similar in size, color and packaging, but Skittles are just better. You can create a different absurd flavor combo with each bite. Lemon-grape? Orange-apple? Go for it. Anything is possible. And if that weren’t enough, they’re also the lifeblood of one of the coolest athletes ever.
The ultimate pop-in-your-mouth candy. Also, a little piece of Willy Wonka come to life. An extra thousand million bonus points if they come in rope form.
3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
If you don’t like every kind of Reese’s, unfollow me and lose my phone number. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Twix isn’t so much a candy bar as it is a revelation. It deserves the top spot solely based on its ability to survive years of terrible Right Twix/Left Twix marketing. The golden wrapper and red script is all class. The cookie crunch coated in caramel and milk chocolate is the perfect combo. And the fact that you get two (2) bars per wrapper makes this an open-and-shut case.
Snickers is the most undeniable candy bar of all-time. The peanuts pack an extra crunch others lack Its branding is impeccable. And it’s one of the only candy bars that’s just as good fun size as king size. That said, we always want king size. Hand those out to trick-or-treaters and you’ll be hailed as a Halloween candy god.