The Case For Jean Shorts on Men

Little turns me on like short and tight, lightly faded denim on a man. Yes. I’m talking jorts. This is the case for fitted, sexy jorts on men. Hold your vegetables and pitchforks until I’ve finished.

Jorts on men have received, rightly or wrongly, much shade over the years. A couple years ago, BuzzFeed published a listacle of reasons why men “seriously need to stop wearing jorts.” The article got some points correct and some wrong. It was spot on about the infamous overly baggy jorts of yesteryear, popularized in mid-’90s classics like Clueless but only partially correct about another point: that jorts only look good on women. This is false. The truth is that jorts generally look better on women because we make skin tight Daisy Dukes for women. Tight short shorts accent your butt and everybody likes that. But we don’t make Daisy Dukes for men.

The patriarchy says men can’t wear skin tight and revealing clothes, unless they’re gay or genderqueer, in which case they’re already halfway evicted from the masculinity club. Which is just silly. Who doesn’t like a thicc, muscled leg attached to a hunky hunk of man flesh? We need to #SexualizeManLegs for gender equality. The first step is getting them legs into some tight jorts.

Men look great in fitted jorts that stop just above the knee or higher and evoke Peter Pan and the early sexual awakenings he and Tinkerbell triggered. Such shorts make a man look youthful, spritely and energetic. The man who will bond with your dog then pin you against a wall later while you makeout. Your sex will be hot and weird in a good way because neither one of you is hung up on what his tight little shorts do or don’t say about his manhood. You’ll just be focused on what they show of his manhood, which is a lot of it.

Also, jorts can make a man seem even manlier. Take the recent Wisconsin man who was filmed snow blowing shirtless in his jorts. This hero, who looks like Hugh Jackman’s long lost twin, is wearing short, tight jorts that show off the best of his legs. This is what we’re missing by outlawing jorts on men. Half naked snow blowing.

We do, I admit, need to address the jorts that have given jorts on men such a terrible, terrible reputation.

The Good Lord Jesus Christ Our Savior sent from God Himself Amen, bless Kevin Smith but his meme-ified baggy jorts are the stuff of 1995 nightmares.

WHY ARE THEY SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND, KEVIN? They are dangerously close to just being pants. Weirdly amorphous pants. Where the hell are your knees, Kevin? Please signpost so we can send help to your knees.

Well-fitted clothes are not only for the skinny among us, Kevin. Indeed, wearing baggy or boot cut jeans and shorts make you look droopy, not slim by comparison. Tapered jeans and fitted jorts make you look put together and firm, say HuffPost Fashion Editor Michelle Persad and Queer Eye fashion expert Tan France. Well, they said the part about tapered jeans and I’m extrapolating about the jorts.

The patriarchy needs to die so we can #FreeManThighs. First stop, jorts.