‘The Bachelor’ Episode 7: The Losers are The Winners

Most competitions are designed to let the best competitors win. Last night The Bachelor proved it isn’t one of them.

Each of the three women sent packing last night brought something different to the table. In a different season with a more interesting Bachelor, we probably would’ve had the chance to see their hometowns and meet their families. But this is Arie’s world, where interesting women go to die.

The chaos started with Jacqueline, who couldn’t hide her panic after Arie’s first one-on-one date. She rushed to Arie’s room, poured herself a huge, nerve-calming glass of wine, and explained that she didn’t expect to feel such strong feelings for him and was confused about her emotions toward Arie and the show. In one fell swoop, Jacqueline shattered the reality television mold of The Bachelor. She processed the moment like an actual human being who should be confused about this absurd dating scenario. It was the most honest moment of the season, and perhaps the most intelligent, as she walked away from Arie under her own volition. Once she stops crying, she can hold her head high knowing she did the right thing.

Next to go was Seinne, the other way-too-smart for him woman on the show. After truffle hunting with some cute dogs (note to Bachelor producers: we need more dogs), Arie and Seinne made dinner with a nice little Italian family who enjoyed making pasta almost as much as they enjoyed talking about love. Seinne intelligently discussed her openness to love and the experience of being on the show, but she might have used too many big words, because Arie sent her home. Maybe he didn’t like the idea of having to carry around a pocket dictionary during every date to keep up with her. Either way, count this as a win for Seinne.

Finally, we saw the last of Bekah M., she of the California missing persons report. During the group date Bekah turned up the charm and proved once again that Arie was wrapped around her finger. This was too much for Tia, who did her best Krystal impression and told Arie that Bekah was too young and unserious for this type of competition, which is ironic given how unserious the competition is. (Also note: Bekah is 22. Tia is 26. Arie has a decade on both of them.) This initially seemed to backfire, as Bekah turned on the waterworks and ran to Arie, telling her how much she felt for him. We know he loved that.

When Bekah showed up to the final dinner in a long white dress—as if to remind Arie of her readiness for marriage—it looked like Tia was toast. (Bekah also drank water instead of wine, probably realizing she got a little too drunk during her garden-crying incident.) But in a twist, Arie chose Tia, leading to more Bekah tears and another awkward dad-putting-his-kid-in-the-car moment between them.

It’s sad, because Bekah was the most impressive contestant on the show. She was just as manipulative as Krystal without any of the villainy. Save for a few age-related quips, the girls generally seemed to enjoy her (and we know based on hand placement that Arie did, too). But as a 22-year-old, her motivations were pretty clear—she showed up to raise her profile. And you know what? Job well done. I can’t knock the hustle. She even turned the missing persons report on its head into the perfect “joke’s on me” moment. She was destined to be on this show and thrive in The Bachelor universe. Bekah will be back.

Now we’re left with four women who are all just okay. Kendall showed refreshing emotional intelligence last week but other than that is average. Her interests in taxidermy and playing the ukulele make her the most interesting contestant left by default. Becca K. seems sweet and was my preseason prediction to win it all, but really she’s just meh. Tia was a fan favorite before calling out Bekah M., which will cause the internet to turn on you faster than you can say “Arkansas.”

And of course, we have Lauren B. giving hope to hot, personality-deficient women everywhere. She’s afraid of opening up, and when she finally told Arie she was falling in love with him, the news was so shocking it sent the Bachelor into the woods on a vision quest. It’s not clear whether what she said sent him reeling or the fact that she said anything at all. Either way, it was enough for Arie to admit that he’s falling “so deeply in love with her, it’s crazy.”

Leaving Arie’s impressive verbal expressiveness aside, what the hell is going on? Did these two sleep together? Where is this unspoken chemistry coming from? All it took was two silent dates in Paris and Tuscany for these two to “open up” and fall madly in love. It would be stupid if it wasn’t the perfect plotline for this season. Lauren B. is the wettest noodle in the group, and Arie is Ragu. They’re a mediocre Italian meal made in heaven.

Anyway, here are my favorite tweets from the week: