'The Bachelor' Episode 5: Show Us Krystal's Bus Rant

This is a direct message to Bachelor producers: We, the viewing public demand you release the recording of Krystal’s epic bus ride “bitch fit.”

It’s the defining moment of the season so far and we need to see it. It confirmed Krystal’s madness and cemented her as a legend. It brutalized Arie and brought together every woman in the house through mutual hatred. And it was all over a bowling match.

We know you recorded it. You record everything. You let Chelsea, during her one-on-one yacht date with Arie, utter the phrase “I’m on a dreamboat with and I’m with a dreamboat” with 100 percent seriousness. You filmed Arie doing the poorest man’s impression of The Big Lebowski’s The Jesus. You gave us yet another no-name artist. You need to give us this tape.

We need this. I need this.

In Bachelor terms, it’s the equivalent of Trump’s pee tape. Krystal’s pettiness and insecurity are already legendary, but she one-upped herself somehow anyway. This time around, she didn’t come off as just petty, vindictive or insecure during Week 5—she made herself look straight-up bonkers. Arie did a decent enough job of slapping her down after she decided to stay in for the bowling afterparty (a two-word phrase that can only be uttered when discussing The Bachelor), but she came back with a vengeance.

The women finally called Krystal out, which was high-quality television. Krystal again blamed other people while disregarding their feelings. Lauren B. couldn’t handle it. Bekah M. was having none of it. And yet it wasn’t enough to convince Arie to give her the boot.

We know the show will suffer when Krystal inevitably loses. We know she’s done enough to elevate herself into the pantheon of Bachelor villains.

But let’s face facts—you don’t have enough Everglades-dwelling men named Gerald serving deep-fried corn on the cob to salvage the season. Arie isn’t interesting. He literally stared at an alligator and mused about how it reminded him that love is scary. He finally broached an interesting topic (his views on religion and relationships) and still managed to sound like a dunce. He’s so bad of a race car driver that Tia said out loud she couldn’t imagine him racing, and yet that’s all he talks about.

In the other corner, some of the girls are genuinely interesting and kind, which doesn’t make for great reality TV. Seinne and Jacqueline both seem way too smart to be here. Bekah M. is psychoanalyzing men and women 10 years her senior. Chelsea is ignoring her child for a chance at love (which is admittedly dumb). Krystal and her trifling drama are all that’s holding this show together.

Her bus rant is the epitome of that. It’s the peak of her character’s arc. That’s why we need to see it. We deserve to see it. Do the right thing. Give us the tape.

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