'The Bachelor' After The Final Rose: Live Diary

Arie proposed to Lauren, Becca is the new Bachelorette, and with that, my first (and probably last) season of watching The Bachelor is over. Just a couple thoughts before we get into the diary:

1. I like reality TV. I get why people enjoy it. I understand the appeal of watching relatable people who’ve surrendered their personal lives to be filmed 24/7. It’s easy and fun to spot their flaws and share their triumphs.

2. The Bachelor is an cruel bastardization of love and reality TV. Its fleeting moments of entertainment are not worth enduring its colossal stupidity. I recommend it to no one.

8:18 p.m.
My internet was out so I tuned in a little late (proud cord-cutter here). Becca is crying watching videos of her and Arie “in love” and it’s making me sick. I didn’t want to feel anything while watching the show, but Becca is making it tough. She calls out Arie for repeatedly contradicting himself and being unable to explain his connection with Lauren. Hi Becca, welcome to The Bachelor viewing public. We’ve been saying this for weeks.

8:25 p.m.
Lauren and Arie’s reunion is a hollow feelings grab that doesn’t work. The audience is swayed, though—cameras cut to women crying emotional tears after the happy couple shares yet another bland conversation. Can we reasonably feel happy for Lauren when she’s never used more than 10 words in a sentence? Only reality TV can make a live audience cheer right after heartbreak.

8:30 p.m.
It’s fan favorites time. All these girls were great, but Bekah M. is head and shoulders above the rest. She’s well-spoken, funny and unafraid to call Arie out for his bullshit. She even tweeted out Instagram DMs Arie sent her during the finale last night and called him a “fucking tool.”

8:35 p.m.
Bekah is saying she hopes Lauren gets the hell out of her relationship with Arie. Bekah is a real one. She needs her own show or podcast or something that will allow me to see her face/hear her voice on a regular basis.

8:36 p.m.
Wait, why is Caroline a fan favorite when I have no memory of her? Did they just need a fifth girl to make the setup look better?

8:42 p.m.
Becca’s much anticipated appearance is has arrived, and she’s killing it. Her composure about the situation is striking. She also provides the full scope of her disappointment, among other things having to put house hunting on hold. Surely Arie is a great house hunter since he’s a big fancy Scottsdale real estate agent right?

My favorite part about Becca’s appearance is acknowledging her choice to be on television. She spoke and acted like she prepared for it, and despite the consciousness of it, impressed all the same.

8:47 p.m.
There are BILLBOARDS for Becca in Los Angeles and her home state of Minnesota. #BillboardsForBecca. There’s also a miscellaneous Bachelor fund for her to get over her heartbreak, and it’s up to $6,000. Are fans of this show so dumb they don’t realize these people are getting paid? It turns into a nice moment, though because Becca decides to donate it. Not to be outdone, Chris Harrison says the show will match it. The Bachelor is really digging deep into its pockets for that one.

8:54 p.m.
Here comes Arie—WHY ARE THEY CLAPPING?

I’ve really had enough of captain “I love that” this season. The transparency of his jerkiness is unsettling. About the breakup, he tells Becca he “did it the way he did it” because he wanted the Bachelor audience to know it was all on him. No one was wondering about that, you prick.

8:58 p.m.
Becca’s questions for Arie were good, but she wasn’t going to get anything out of him. He’s a weak, uncertain, timorous man who shouldn’t have been here in the first place. Still, she couldn’t be handling things better. She is everything he is not in terms of candor and verbal expression.

Arie just said he regrets proposing to Becca, which, fine. He’s probably doing that for Lauren’s sake, but it doesn’t make him any less of a scumbag.

9:08 p.m.
Jason Mesnick is here, because he’s a Bachelor that did the same thing Arie did. To be frank, I don’t care about this part – it’s Bachelor universe masturbation. Jason is making excuses for Arie and saying it’s really hard to deal with the show, but screw that.

Instead, I try a new flavored popcorn recipe. Coconut oil is ideal for popping loose kernels, but vegetable or peanut oils work just as well. Once it’s popped, remove it from the initial pot so as not to burn the kernels on the bottom. Then, it’s spice tossing time. This time around I went with cajun chili powder, sea salt, and some very tiny dabs of Mike’s Hot Honey. Be careful to spread these out and toss the popcorn in a large bowl, otherwise the kernels will stick together. In the end, they still did, but if you disperse the honey well enough you get some spicy, sticky kernel goodness.

9:16 p.m.
Now Arie is on the couch alone. My online stream is dragging now. He and Chris are just a bunch of pixels at this point.

9:19 p.m.
Lauren enters to thunderous applause. How dope would it be if she just dumped him right now? It immediately becomes the most iconic moment in Bachelor history, but where does it stack in the pantheon of reality TV? Of live television in general? Someone get back to me on this.

9:21 p.m.
Lauren could not have hesitated harder when Chris asked if she and Becca were friends. She also had the audacity to say Arie went about things in “the most respectful way,” which at least proves she didn’t cheat and watch the show at all.

9:30 p.m.
Chris Harrison is obsessed about the social media hate these two are getting. He’s almost exaggerating it. I’m waiting for Chris Harrison to explode on these two. I hope it happens soon.

9:32 p.m.
Arie proposes to Lauren right on the stage. Whoop-dee-doo. This cutaway of Bekah as it was happening gave me life.

9:39 p.m.
Becca is the Bachelorette, as she should be. But this show is unconscionably stupid. We’ve just spent the last 90 minutes feeling sorry for Becca and everything she went through because of the show’s innate nature. Just had your heartbroken on a reality show? Just jump right back into the same reality show matrix, but from the OTHER SIDE. #logic

9:41 p.m.
All the girls crowded on the couch is cute I guess. “None of you knew each other a few months ago, and look at you now—six bitches stuffed on a tiny couch.” Chris Harrison didn’t actually just say that, but I imagined he did.

9:45 p.m.
Harrison has gone rogue and is busting the format to start The Bachelorette early. The crew is doing an amazing job transforming the set. Give these people more airtime. Wait—they are! Really dig how long they stuck with that shot after he sent them to break.

9:52 p.m.
Let’s do a quick ranking of the guys Becca meets from her upcoming season of The Bachelorette.

5. Chase (second guy)
His fake fluster was really unconvincing. He’s a way less serious Christian Slater, an actor who I already don’t take seriously.

4. Darius (fourth guy)
He’s calm, cool and collected, playing things smooth and funny. But apologizing on behalf of the male gender, while timely, is as cliche as it gets.

3. Lincoln (first guy)
This dude was about to steal the show with his bowtie and indistinguishable accent. He had everyone clap for Becca, teared up out of nervousness and shit on Arie. But it was clear after the first couple seconds he was just in it for the airtime.

2. Blake (last guy)
Intros are all about the gimmicks, and Blake walking in with a horse named Bradley was the ultimate gimmick. It was pretty stupid until he dropped the “get you back on the horse” line, which was too corny not to land.

1. Ryan (third guy)
Less is more, and dude let his banjo and country voice do the work. Added b onus for original songwriting. He kept things short and sweet and clearly left Becca wanting more. Also his floral vest was on point.

And just like that, Season 22 of The Bachelor is over. I’d say it’s been fun, but it’s mostly been painful, and not the fun kind of painful that makes me want to do this again. So of course I’ll see you for The Bachelorette. Bye!

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