It’s time for the second Democratic presidential primary debate. That means it’s time to drink. Debates with this many participants produce minimal substance and maximum boredom. They’re so predictable, in fact, that if you play this simple game you’re sure to get hammered and remember none of it. And isn’t that what we all want this election season? Here are our rules for Night One.
Take A Drink If…
Bernie Sanders says “let me be clear.” We thought about making this a rule for anytime Bernie gesticulates, but we don’t want to cause waves of alcohol poisonings out there. Instead, we’ll keep it simple. But make it a double if he does the double-pointy thing.
A moderator railroads any candidate into silence before a commercial break. This is bound to happen several times, so we need to take advantage. Make it a double if it happens to John Delaney.
Steve Bullock mentions he wasn’t in the first debate. Bullock is the only new face on the stage tonight, and he’ll be sure to bring it up. It’s quite literally the only thing differentiating him from the other mediocre middle aged white dudes in the race.
Pete Buttigieg challenges Beto O’Rourke on contributions from the oil industry or Beto O’Rourke challenges Pete Buttigieg on racial tensions in South Bend, Ind. Buttigieg vs. Beto should be a fun side-dynamic—the former is flailing, in part because the latter stole (and did a better version of) the former’s Barack Obama impersonation. They’re both standing on the affable-but-inexperienced liberal corner. Expect these two to go at each other if given the chance.
Elizabeth Warren mentions shared values/common goals. It remains to be seen how hard Warren and Sanders will go at one another, but this phrasing is tailor-made to couch her own attack or stymie someone else’s.
Marianne Williamson says “love.” Make it a double if it’s part of a wacky metaphor like “what the American people need to go viral right now is a double rainbow of love and leadership” or something like that.
Amy Klobuchar attempts a terrible pun. Klobuchar’s humor (and candidacy in general) is only palatable if you consume copious amounts of alcohol.
John Hickenlooper/Delaney/any centrist criticizes Medicare for All. Make it a double if they mention people losing coverage during the transition from private to public insurance. This is going to happen. The only question is which limp rag centrist tries to go viral trying to own Sanders or Warren.
Finish Your Drink If…
CNN experiences any major technical difficulties. MSNBC’s technical difficulties added a good bit of fun to the last debate, and made Chuck Todd look like more of a dork than he already is.
Anyone uses the word “electable.” Especially if a candidate uses it to describe themselves or denigrate someone else. This word should be banned from use forever. But until then, if you hear it, drink.
Jake Tapper mentions the troops. Jake Tapper is a certified Troop Lover and he will use his bolstered audience to remind us of that. Drink up for the men and women in uniform.