Rand Paul Was Assaulted And No One Cares

If a senator gets his ass kicked and there are no television cameras around to capture it, did it really happen?

You might want to ask Rand Paul. The Kentucky senator was mowing his lawn last Friday when his neighbor, 59-year-old Rene Boucher, reportedly tackled Paul from behind, breaking or dislocating five of the senator’s ribs. Boucher’s attorney said the attack was motivated by “trivial” reasons. Paul’s office was mum about the incident, saying the senator was fine and grateful for the support he’d received.

But later reports suggested his injuries are far worse than initially thought. Paul could be in severe pain for months to come, and Boucher could face up to a year in prison for the assault.

Credit to Paul’s handlers, but this is insane. A public official getting beat up is a huge deal. It was a precursor to civil war once upon a time. The neighborly drama alone is enough to land this story on a salacious gossip mag cover. Throw in that Boucher is a) a doctor b) the inventor of a rice-filled vest for back pain and c) a registered Democrat, and you’ve got nearly enough intrigue for a Lifetime special.

Nonetheless, Paul’s assault was quickly forgotten after the mass shooting in Sutherland Springs, Texas on Sunday. Major stories like that dominate news coverage and commentary, and with good reason. No one cares about someone getting beat up when 26 people were senselessly killed.

But the president’s hijinks bypass would-be bombshell news stories. In the Trump Era, people go crazy over the dumbest things. Just yesterday, Twitter worked itself up over Trump clumsily dumping a box of fish food into a koi pond (only to find out later he was following Japanese Prime Minister Abe’s lead).

How is a prominent Republican senator getting beat up not more interesting than that bullshit? How are we not all talking about this? Are we really going to ignore this type of stuff from now on? Why am I yelling right now?