Oregon’s Self-Pump Law: Oregonian’s Aren’t Stupid, We Just Don’t Wanna

I went to college out of state which means, yes, I was one of those Oregonian princess snowflakes y’all keep dragging through mud for not knowing how to pump our own gas. The first time I needed gas at school I stared at the pump for several minutes. Some of my panicked thoughts:

Is there not some special glove or safety seal on the gas gauge? How will I prevent my life from becoming that scene in Zoolander? Where is that nice, stoned gas attendant from my old high school? He was always so helpful. I wonder what he’s up to now. He was kinda cute. HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO STOP FILLING IT UP BEFORE IT ALL SPILLS OUT OF MY VEHICLE AND ONTO MY PERSON? I am going to die in a gas fire.

I got my business in order, however, and filled up my car. But I wouldn’t begrudge a single Oregonian soul for being confused, overwhelmed, displeased or even annoyed at the new self-serve mandate, just signed into law by Governor Kate Brown. Change is hard and sometimes you just don’t want to.

The internet, however, is a mean, mean place:

We got color TV in 2010, thank you very much.

He’s not entirely wrong.

People also dramatically overestimated how much Oregonians prize not pumping gas themselves:

At least some people were nice:

It was nice indeed.

Of course, some fair points were made:


Ever since Fred Armisen sat his creepy ass down in Oregon and Portlandia took off, Oregonians have been keeping Portland weird to an unhealthy degree. We’re not nearly as delicate or quirky as we want you all to think. A significant chunk of the complainers are definitely faking it. But then again, bragging about an inability to perform basic societal functions is not unique to The Beaver State.

New Yorkers can’t even drive. It’s in every listacle of “Things TRUE New Yorkers Have In Common.” It’s practically a badge of honor.

At the end of the day, everyone can stand down. The new law only affects rural areas, which Oregon Law already dictated could be self-serve from 6pm to 6am. Now, they can pump their own gas 24/7. But they aren’t required to. Justin Bidiman, owner of the Metolius Market in Metolius, OR, told The Bend Bulletin they will continue pumping gas for customers because …

“My equipment is not set up for credit cards,” he said, “so we don’t have any way of recording the gallons.”

How could you possibly get angry at something so quaint? It’s up there with seeing static on the TV and saying “there’s gonna be weather.”