O.J. Computer: Setting The Odds on Simpson’s Next Move

The Juice will soon be loose again, just in time for Americans to be inundated with more of our favorite (allegedly) murderous running back.

It’s been nine years since he was put away and the world’s changed plenty, but America can’t get enough of O.J. Both the FX drama and ESPN mega-documentary about him won Emmys, and Vegas sports books are looking to profit off his parole hearing.

In this new media landscape where Twitter can’t make money and Facebook is for old people, there’s no end to what O.J. might do next. Here are a few possibilities and their odds to boot:

Twitch Streamer (100-to-1)

I would watch old O.J. Simpson figure out how to play video games for hours on end. Especially Grand Theft Auto.

YouTube Personality (50-to-1)

Picture O.J., smartphone horizontal on his car dashboard, ranting about news stories that ticked him off. Tacking on an over/under of eight times he tells young black men to “pull their damn pants up” for extra betting fun.

Netflix Series (20-to-1)

The streaming service isn’t above shoveling nostalgic crap into subscribers’ laps (see: Fuller House). But since “The People vs. O.J. Simpson” is already on Netflix, he’d have to go in a different direction. How about an animated series about opening a juicery in Brooklyn? I’ve got pitches, Juice—let’s talk.

Syndicated Column (14-to-1)

It’s like writing a book, but requires less work and thought. If David Brooks can write about how poor people don’t know salami, surely O.J. can crank out some interesting anecdotes about spaghetti and lasagna dinners in prison. Maybe he can even pick up a crime beat to advise convicted felons on how he would’ve done it.

Book Deal (6-to-1)

This one’s a no-brainer. O.J. could get into the grisliest details of his prison sentence, like his service as softball commissioner. Hell, maybe he can parlay that into a job with the MLB. Nothing puts heads in the pages or butts in the seats like the Juice.

Original Podcast (5-to-2)

If you don’t think the “If I Did It” podcast would leapfrog “Serial” and “This American Life” within its first week, you haven’t been paying attention.

Reality TV Show (2-to-1)

Who are we kidding? O.J.’s post-prison life is made-for-reality TV. It can be kitschy—Who Wants to Marry a Murderer? has a nice ring to it—or simple. Get a bunch of cameras to follow him around Kardashian-style. In fact, stick him in the time slot right before Keeping Up With the Kardashians and E! has its next five years of primetime locked up (pun 1,000 percent intended). Seacrest out.

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